Happy New Year Elliot!

This was a pretty big year for me, getting married and having a baby and all. Here's a collection of our cellphone pics of Elliot :)

All I want for Christmas is my first tooth!

Ok look really close, do you see it on the bottom? That's right, Elliot's first tooth is growing out! Clearly he thinks he's over 6 months not just in size but in all developments in general so I should just get over the fact that there's two months of babyness that is lost to the wind.
Well at least that explains all the drooling, and he's drooling more than ever now, and loving his teethers. It's a sharp one too, if you let him nibble on your finger you'll definitely feel it. Luckily the bottom teeth come in first and his tongue goes over them in the sucking motion so I'm not quite feeling the sharpness when I'm feeding him yet although I have been feeling a little more general pain, as if he's just sucking harder, more aggressively, but I'm watching out for any biting so I can teach him not to do it before it becomes a habit.

Also, since he's been showing an interest in what the big people eat we've decided to start trying out real food. We started with plain ol' potato mush, mixed with some breastmilk. It'll take a little getting used to this whole new struggle with little hands reaching out, his tongue reflex spitting out the mush, and generally the game of getting food into the belly. But actually it's a little fun just because it's new for now and he seems to really be interested and taking to it well. We're going to give him the potato mush for one feeding every day for a week, then we'll try rice cereal every day for the following week, then move on to veggies. The idea is to introduce foods one at a time to see if he has a weird reaction to anything and I think this also helps his palette to develop. It's not wise to start with fruit because supposedly babies can get hooked on the sweet stuff and then not like to eat veggies so we'll save the fruits for dessert when he's used to the other foods.

 In other news, Elliot had a lovely first Christmas in New Hampshire where he was the main attraction of course and Josh and I got to relax a little what with plenty of other hands to keep the little guy happy and occupied. We enjoyed fun activities like finishing our meals, reading books, napping, and generally relaxing. Oh how we miss those extra hands since we've gotten back home!

Goo!

It's hard to believe that my little shnookums is already 4 months old. It's weird that after all that time anticipating his arrival while being pregnant and wondering what he will be like, these last 4 months have just flown by. We had a doctor's visit and saw a new doctor at our pediatrician's office who was questioning whether Elliot was sitting up and eating real food yet. I almost got defensive when I responded that he's starting to sit up with support and it's too early for him to eat real food when I realized she thought he was 6 months old, because that's just how he looks these days at 18lbs. And yes, he's officially in the 99th percentile for growth, woo-hoo! This doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be a big guy, his growth will even out at some point but if he's still looking older than he is by the time he's 2 years old then that's a better indicator that he'll probably be big forever and Josh can start training him to be a quarterback.

Although Josh and I still randomly come up to each other and say 'can you believe we have a baby?' things are really beginning to have a rhythm these days now that I've been back at work for over a month. We have a routine that works and our lives have settled into a new normal. Elliot is also becoming a little more independent these days and he can entertain himself for a little while either by being on his belly and trying to crawl, just chewing on his toys, sitting back and watching tv (he really likes cartoons - already showing a preference and reaching out for the remote... well to put it in his mouth), or sort of just watching us do things, and especially watching Josh play guitar and sing songs. This kid is going to be a musical prodigy for sure. That, coupled with less growth-spurty and constant nursing means I can do more for myself again, like clean up!

He's definitely begun the oral phase and just wants to put everything in his mouth. He can do that more and more now that he has a bit more coordination when it comes to grabbing things. And speaking of his mouth, he's drooling like a bulldog!! It's crazy, so much drool, and it gets on everything, he's like a snail leaving his trail of goo everywhere he goes.

Butterball Baby

I gotta say, the last few weeks elliot's been looking like that weight has finally caught up with his tiny body and now he's a fat little round baby with a big double chin and a belly that sometimes hangs over his diaper. I'll take that to mean he's perfectly healthy and maybe we're done with the growth spurts for a little while (which, in case you didn't know, usually involves a lot more eating and waking up in the night). He's starting to do more and more like holding objects, squirming his body around, and making new noises. He can roll over back to belly but not quite the other way around just yet, but I think so far it's really just because he simply hasn't had the need. He realizes that doing stuff on his own is much more belly-oriented so he's really just a pragmatist :) He's also drooling a lot, especially when he's doing something that requires effort, you know he's really thinking if you have to wipe his chin at least once a minute.

Oh, and we also noticed that he has a bit of an occasional lazy eye, it's barely noticeable except you can tell a little bit that one eye is a bit off, although sometimes it looks like the right one and other times the left one. We'll ask the pediatrician but according to the internet it's not uncommon and usually corrects itself by 1 year of age. I guess it's just too much world too quickly for a brand new brain.
This kid, I can't put into words how much I love him, he's just so cute and happy, most of the time, and even when he's fussy and testing my patience it's impossible to ever be anything but in complete adoration of this little person that seemingly came out of nowhere and gave a whole new purpose to my life. I enjoy trying to understand him, anticipate his moods and desires, and though generally my best reward is minimal fussiness and maximum smiling that's plenty satisfying as return communication on his part that he thinks i'm pretty cool too.

Working continues to be difficult and I feel like a zombie for most of the day because he still wakes me up at around 5am and then I have a full day at the office, followed by occasional physical therapy after work, and I rush home to nurse and bathe and put him to sleep, then I have a very small of time in the evening before I go to bed by 10 - usually spent on cleaning up, preparing a lunch for the next day, and doing my physical therapy exercises (oh yeah, still recovering from the birth 3 1/2 months later!). Although we're still pretty exhausted most of the time, it is getting a little easier now that he can chill for small amounts of time on his own, either in his gym or just propped up with a pillow and a toy. I know when he starts crawling we'll have to chase him around to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or eat random stuff so for now i'm enjoying his stationaryness.

Shnookums rolled over!

Breaking news! Elliot is officially rolling over completely on his own, and now that he's figured out how to do it he wants to do it all the time! Also, he got weighed last week and guess how much he weighs, just guess, I bet you'd never guess that a 3-month can already weigh over 17lbs, well yes he can!! 17lbs. 6oz. as of last Friday, and this week he seems to be having a growth spurt too, he's waking up in the middle of the night again because he's hungry (that's extra fun now that I'm working and have NO chance of making up for it with a nap). I'm pretty sure his natural state of growth is what most other babies experience as spurts, what he has are growth lags.
Not only is he rolling over but once he does it is very obvious that he's trying to crawl. Of course he doesn't get anywhere because he can't support his own weight yet but he's just so full of energy and concentration. From above it kind of looks like a frog swimming in place, except with no rhythm because his limbs are just flailing every which way. This exciting new skill is also nice for mom and dad because we can leave him on a blanket on the floor and he keeps himself fully entertained, with no worry yet that he'll hurt himself or eat something he shouldn't.

Someone asked me recently what I call him aside from Elliot so here's a little list of my favorites: Shnookums, poopypants, crankypants, milkyface, monkey, smiley, honeybunny, funnyface, cutiepie, smelliot, jellybelly, ellie, shmoopy, drooly, and sometimes just plain 'ol baby. I don't know what it is about baby referencing but I always tend to use a name that describes his current state, like smiley or drooly or milky, I wonder if that's some psychological evolutionary wiring because it helps the baby develop a sense of self? Who knows, but calling him just Elliot all the time would definitely get pretty boring if that was my only option.

Back to work

Well despite my best efforts at freezing time I did finally return to work and you know, I survived, it wasn't that bad. Of course I missed Elliot and thought of him all day but I wasn't overwhelmed with emotional yearning, it was more the drudgery of office work that made me wish I wasn't there. Plus the constant pumping. I thought I would be ok with doing it twice during the work day but apparently nature didn't get the memo that I'm not connected to my baby 24/7 anymore and I've had to do it 3 times a day. Aside from the fact that it's just annoying to have to do that so often, it takes me away from actually doing work and I have a pretty busy job so I definitely see conflicts in my future.

I'd say the second week is harder than the first for me, it's really starting to sink in that missing my child is just going to be a constant feeling and there's something unjust and sad about that. I'm starting to notice him growing now, I mean I can actually see it, I feel like he's already bigger tonight than he was this morning! Plus I have this nagging paranoia that he'll forget me, or that subconsciously he feels abandoned and he'll have deep-rooted resentment towards me for the rest of his life. I know, it's fine, especially because he still has his dad all day, but still, these are the things that swirl around in my mind.

I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. But it's not easy balancing work and motherhood, though no one ever said it would be, I always feel like there's so much to do and though I'm doing things all day I get hardly anything done. The best part of the day for me is in the morning when I'm nursing Elliot, he's so warm and sleepy and sweet, he nurses without fussing and I can just stare at him and be 100% present, plus he's usually very smiley and happy when he's done so that gives me just enough fuel to get through the day until I get to see him again.

The fact that he's home with Josh and not in daycare makes things easier for sure, I can rest easy knowing he's in good hands and that goes a long way. In case you're wondering how Josh is handling being a SAHD (stay at home dad), well I think he's doing great, really really great. I knew he'd be a wonderful father so there's no surprises there, but being alone with a baby all day, day after day after day, plus cooking and cleaning up, well its hard and lets just say I had my doubts. But so far he's doing amazing and this whole parenting experiment is working out (actually, haha, he's complaining about how cranky the baby was today on the phone as I type, well no one ever said we can't complain!).

There's definitely something to be said about a man and his boy-child. They have such a connection it just melts my heart, I can't wait to watch them participate in all sorts of father/son activities as Elliot grows up.

Other updates about stuff Elliot does: He watches TV, I mean you know we're not the type of parents who use TV as a substitute for actual parenting but sometimes we're just worn out and we put it on ok? so don't judge! We just want him to chill quietly sometimes and he seems to do that pretty well on the couch, propped up with a pillow, facing the tube. I guess it's the colors and sounds that he's trying to make sense of, I don't know, but the few moments of respite it offers is just too tempting to deny, until the guilt kicks in and then we're back to walking him around, playing the piano, standing on our heads, whatever it takes! Also, apparently he can hold his bottle for a bit of time with his tiny hands and he even knows he has to tilt it to get more milk out. I haven't seen this yet because I obviously don't use the bottle with him, but he does sort of hold my boob sometimes when he eats so I believe it. What else.. he hates taking baths all of a sudden. He used to just be ok with it but now he cries a terrible shrieking cry the entire time like I'm torturing him! Oh also, he can sort of sit up now. It's funny because if you put him on the couch just propped up with a little pillow he has the strength to pull himself up but then he just flops to the side all hunched over like a drunk man. There's lots of things he does that can be compared to a drunk man actually. But the funniest thing he does is fart when he's straining or when he's sleeping. Sometimes he farts at just the perfect moment, like when a punchline is delivered in a jokey sentence. I'm usually not one for thinking farting is funny, but it's definitely funny when a baby does it. Ok, well, more updates to come.

Growing up so fast

Elliot is about 16lbs. now and snugly wearing the 6 month clothes, he's growing so fast I'm starting to fantasize about having another one so I can have a newer model! (but seriously, no, not for a few years) The pediatrician showed us a growth chart and where our baby ranks, he's in the 90 something percentile (meaning he's larger than over 90% of babies his age) but despite all that he's really still just a tiny baby. He's smiling and laughing all the time and he can really interact when it comes to face-to-face communication. He's mostly just good at saying Goo-aah, but sometimes he'll say boo, or lah, and I love taking turns making sounds with him. When I repeat a word over and over and exaggerate the movement of my mouth for him I can really see him trying to emulate it and focusing all his efforts. Those are the most fun moments, when I'm not just 'taking care' of him but interacting with him.

We have just one more week together before I go back to work and have to get used to the feeling of being apart. It's very strange to go through this life changing experience of childbirth and bonding, living in a cocoon of privacy, only to realize that the world is still spinning and you can't just stare at your baby all day. I have to blend back into ordinary society and earn a living and that makes me a little sad. I know, I know, I'll get used to it, blah blah blah, I'm just saying.. I'm going to enjoy this last week as much as possible.

The importance of routine

I've heard it said before that when it comes to raising kids, routine is everything. Well I'm starting to realize just how true that is. We now have a general best case scenario baby schedule, of course there is some variation from day to day but generally here's how it goes: baby wakes up at around 8am for breakfast and is awake for about 45 afterwards (for some reason that is when he is his most happiest and googliest). Then he takes a mid-morning nap from around 9:30-11 after which he's awake for a couple of hours just hanging out and having lunch. This is followed by an early afternoon nap which is often taken in the stroller during a walk around the neighborhood. After this he is awake for another few hours and has a snack. Before dinner he'll take a 30 minute snooze and this is usually followed by dinner, a bath, some cuddling, some dessert, and then he's usually asleep for the night by around 9pm (followed by 1 or 2 nighttime nursings before he's up again at 8am).

But of course reality gets in the way of routine and creates a domino effect of inconvenience, and if we have to go somewhere or otherwise disturb his eating/sleeping schedule that will result in crankiness, non-sleeping and overtiredness, more nursing (i think for the calming effect of it rather than extra hunger), and general unpredictability. In this sense,  routine actually provides a sense of freedom. When we follow the routine for a few days in a row without disturbance we know when we will definitely have time to take care of non-baby things. If we want to go somewhere and leave at around the time he usually naps then we can expect an easy ride getting there without any crying. Of course it's hard to live each day in the same sequence as the day before but I guess we'd better get used to it if we want a happy baby. I don't really mind though, I knew having a child would completely change my lifestyle and so far this family thing is pretty darn fulfilling with Elliot as king of the castle.

p.s. baby sleep farts are funny :)

cool baby hot mama

I'm getting a little tired of all kinds of strangers and not-so-strangers saying 'oh what a big baby' since when is everyone such an expert on newborn growth progress? Well yes indeed he continues to grow, he's smiling all the time and even laughing, and he's almost reaching out for things. He seems to be putting in all this effort to move his body towards something and of course he's not sure what to do once he gets there. He can hold on to things if you put it in his hands but he's not quite grabbing anything on his own, except of course for whatever happens to be in his way when he's flailing his arms around - like hair and glasses.

As I get closer and closer to going back to work I have a lot of mixed emotions, I miss Elliot a lot if I'm away from him for even a little while so working full time and only seeing him briefly in the evenings before he goes to sleep is going to be really hard. Plus the physical discomfort of the whole pumping thing is going to be a pain in the... boobs. How am I going to concentrate on excel spreadsheets and sales research when all I'll be thinking about is how many smiles and gurgles I'm missing? If it was financially feasible I would stay home with him for about a year, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do and now that my priorities have shifted it is for him that I will be working, sacrificing time together so that he could have a nice home and healthy food, fun toys, and weekend adventures. But I am trying to be optimistic too, I think it will be sucky for a while but once I get into a groove it will be easier, and I know Josh will be a great dad with him when I'm away. I am trying to build up the tiny voice in the back of my mind that says I miss the mental stimulation a little bit, that diapers and naps and being home all the time would only satisfy me for so long and I am some sort of career woman.
Here's an update on the body: well it's really changed in many ways, I have some extra weight which I don't really mind except that it's flabby and I have cellulite and stretchmarks. I keep trying to start exercising but who has the time? I went from wearing size 5 and extra smalls to squeezing into a size 8 and being a solid medium. I'm just glad I don't have to wear a bathing suit for a while. Oh and that darn tailbone is still a pain, I'm considering going to some post-natal physical therapy because sitting is a pretty darn common position for the human body and I'm tired of shifting uncomfortably all the time. What I do like is that this extra weight makes me feel less cold now that the autumn chill is creeping in, I used to get chilly pretty easily but now I radiate heat - that whole evolutionary protection of the young thing.

Time for mom jeans?

Oh that tushie, so cute! Anyway, I know it's been a while, but hey I have a baby so it's hard to make the time. I really can't believe that Elliot is already over 6 weeks old, pretty soon he'll be starting his first day of school, then being a teenager and coming home drunk, and before I know it we're driving him across the country to college. Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself, but the past two weeks have just flown by.
I'm not sure how much he weighs now but I'd guess somewhere around 13-14lbs, he's getting heavier to lift and doesn't look like a newborn anymore, he's just a real baby now. He's still not sleeping through the night though and wakes up every 2-4 hours to nurse, although generally he goes right back to sleep when he's done. Except after that first daylight morning nurse, at around 7am, after that he's pretty wide awake and that seems to be when he's his most happiest, smiliest, and talkiest (he's gooing!). I've been reading up on how to put him on a schedule so that he sleeps 12 hours a night without nursing and otherwise eats 4 times during the day at the same time each day. I know, it sounds pretty ambitious, we'll do our best. At the moment he's going through yet another growth spurt, which means he's nursing practically every hour and it's funny because he seems annoyed at his own body's involuntary impulse to consume more, when he's nursing he has this love-hate relationship with the nipple, he'll suck it in then punch my boob and spit it out, then hungrily suck again and then push against it and whimper, plus he makes all these grunting noises like a savage little critter.

The other thing that's happening with me is a major wardrobe crisis, it may or may not be obvious to people who have seen me lately but I am definitely bigger than I used to be and honestly my body has changed in ways from which there is no going back. NOT ONE of my pre-pregnancy pants fit, not one, I am jeansless! Plus most of my shirts are too small because my boobs are bigger and my waist is wider. I've never really needed to work out before, but I need to now. Even my very clueless husband says 'well, you're not faaaaat, you just need to do some exercise'. Anyway, I'm not that upset about the general size increase, I just don't like the flabby belly I still have - crunchtown here I come! Plus I'll have to buy a bunch of new clothes, especially for when it's time to go back to work, so just the having-to-spend-money-on-new-clothes thing is annoying. I guess I should look at it as an excuse to go shopping and just accept that it's all worth it for that ticket to the highly respected mom club I am now a part of.

Out and About

Geez this baby is growing fast, on Friday we had a doctor's appointment and he weighed 11lbs. 10oz. already, he'll be 12lbs by the end of this week! Since I've started pumping I looked up online how many ounces he would need per feeding and it's abut 2.5oz. on the higher end for most babies. Well we tried that and it did NOT satisfy him one bit, he still needed 20 minutes of boobie to be (temporarily) full. I mentioned this to the pediatrician and she said "but you have a big baby" meaning whatever I see online to be the average I should just add another 50% for Elliot. Fee Fie Fo Fum, I hope i'm not raising a future bully, jock, or fat kid in school, but what's a mother to do? Ain't no way I'm putting a hungry baby on a diet!

In other news, we had our very first big day out with the baby and aside from the fact that I was an exhausted walking zombie at the end (having had little sleep the night before and being deprived of my own much needed nap that day) it was fantastic. Josh played a show at the Hastings festival and afterwards we went to a late night bbq. Elliot was being passed around like a photo prop and he got to see his daddy play music for the first time :) He hardly cried at all except to tell me that he's hungry but as usual everyone commented on a what a good baby he is (because no one sees his dark side!). Sure, I spent a lot of time in the back seat of our friends' car breastfeeding but at the end of the day I finally got the courage to just do it in public for the very first time.

Aside from a 40 minute nap during the car ride on the way there, Elliot was awake and alert all day, he was all wide eyed and looking around, soaking it all up, making all sorts of neural connections about what life is all about. It was definitely a big day so by the time we got in the car to go to the bbq he was completely passed out and he stayed asleep the entire time we were there, which was several hours (he was indoors while the crowd was outside and it was weird to be hanging out almost as if we didn't have a baby, to be honest he was asleep so long that I started to miss him) and he only started to wake up when we were almost home. It was such a big day for me as well as him that we both spent the next day mostly napping. I'm glad the day went so well and it definitely gives me plenty of confidence about being out with him in the future, as long as there's stuff going on he's plenty happy and entertained so there's no need to fuss.

Sleepless American

Well, it's official, Elliot is a real person and a real American - he got his birth certificate and his social security card! (the government is watching you now my son)
In other news, someone asked me how many times a day he nurses and so I've been counting: an average of 12 in a 24 hour period. So that's basically every two hours except that it's a bit further apart in the late night and closer together during the day. I'm seriously immobile for most of the time that I am awake because I'm on the couch trying not to sit on my tailbone as he suckles away happy as can be. But this week I've started to pump so hopefully Josh can take over the occasional feeding and allow me a much needed nap. Pumping is weird, but I have to start storing up a stash in the freezer for when I return to work, plus being able to have a bottle sort of expands our ability to travel. So far we haven't been able to go very far because of the frequent nursing, and I'm not adept at it enough to be able to do it discreetly in public, not that I'm shy (people who have visited can attest to that!) but in public people would definitely stare and I'm not down with that. So, now that Elliot is about 4 weeks old it's ok to introduce a bottle and pacifier without fear of nipple confusion (as long as we don't do it too often).

One thing I wish this kid would do more of take real naps during the day, he's sort of stopped doing that lately. After the 8am nursing he's pretty much awake and wanting to be entertained and it used to be that by 1pm he would take a nice 2-3 hour nap (and so would I!) but now he's given up on that and traded it in for tiny 10, 20, or 30 minute naps randomly throughout the day until he goes to sleep at night. This is rough for me because it means I can't have a real nap either, being that I'm an on-demand feeding machine. I'm constantly amazed at how much energy he has, compared to the average newborn/infant he sleeps less and eats more, which means he's just bursting with energy, how could something so small and unknowing command so much of himself to life?

little King of the jungle

Elliot is three weeks old now and this kid is a serious Leo. Not only was he a big strong baby with lots of energy in utero but now that he's out in the world he's not going to lay around being a baby waiting for things to happen. He's got a strong body, including a neck that can already support his big noggin, and legs that he can propel himself forward with, I shit you not if you hold him up by his upper body with his legs on a hard surface he will push himself up and move one foot in front of the other!! I'm not just a proud mama saying this but watch out world, this kid is going to be a mover and a shaker!
Here's a little personality characteristic profile of your average Leo:

The Leo type is the most dominant, spontaneously  creative and extrovert of all the zodiacal characters.  In grandeur of manner, splendor of bearing and  magnanimity of personality, they are the monarch's  among humans as the lion is king of beasts. They  are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed,  positive, independent, and self-confident there is no such  a word as doubt in their vocabularies, and they are  self-controlled. Born leaders, either in support of,  or in revolt against, the status quo.

Ok, apparently, they can have a dark side too, but hopefully Elliot will use his powers for good. But where in the world of semi-hippie-laid-back-mom-and-dadness did this kid come from? I think it's the Russian side of the family, our people tend to have a tenacity for survival and a strength in conviction.
In other news, I think I'm finally starting to get accustomed to this whole sleep-deprived motherhood thing, but really it's all about paying attention to the needs of this particular baby. For example, I know that if he nurses for only 18 minutes and falls asleep that he won't stay asleep for long because he needs at least 30 minutes of boobie-time to really put him out for over an hour. Today I took a nap while Josh's parents took him for a walk and wondered why I woke up before they came back, as I lay there for a minute thinking about it I heard Elliot crying from outside as they approached the front door - it's like a psychic connection (plus, this is TMI, but my boobs sort of tingle just before he lets me know he's hungry). I also can tell the difference between hungry, lonely and wanting to be held, and just plain cranky.
What's strange is that I sort of had this idea in my mind that I'd fall in love with the baby the minute I would see his face but to be honest it didn't really happen that way for me. For the first few hours and days I definitely felt an overwhelming sense of protectiveness and responsibility but in a way he was sort of a tiny stranger, and since then I've been getting to know him and slowly falling in love with his personality. It really amazes me that he's his own person, I mean hardly yet, but he's definitely this budding potential of the person he will be. I can't wait to watch him grow and develop and blow me away. With feet like these, I know he's going places!

Hot off the press!

We've got connections at the Ridgewood Times :)

So what do we do all day?

Of course I've heard that a baby is hard work but it's really pretty amazing just how much time and energy is required to keep a baby fed, clean, and happy. Most of my time is spent nursing, this baby was not only a big boy when he was born but he's a growing giant and basically wants to nurse ALL the time, you should see the look on his face when I have to remove my nipple just for a minute so I could change positions, it's as though he's a poor orphan child abandoned in the wilderness who hasn't been fed in days! He especially 'cluster feeds' at night between 8pm-1am, I'm not exaggerating, before bedtime he literally nurses for 45 minutes, then takes a 10 minute break and nurses again for 30 minutes, then a 20 minute break and again for 40 minutes, on and on, not only that but when he falls asleep in my arms and I try to put him to bed he gets pissed and starts crying right away - "I wasn't done with that nipple woman!"

(yep, that's a view from the top of basically what I look at all day)

When I'm not nursing, I nap when the baby naps because I'm tired from not sleeping through the night, which also makes it difficult to get anything done because that means he and I are usually awake at the same time. I also try to get at least one thing done every day, and it's usually something that hardly takes any time at all, except if you have a baby. This would be something like going to the post office, enrolling the baby in health benefits online, filling out some stupid forms for my disability leave, or writing this blog, I feel like I have to sneak these things in when the baby's not looking! Here's him right now finally down for his second nap next to a giant pillow pile (my various nursing props).

Josh of course is responsible for feeding me and keeping our apartment in some sort of state of cleanliness, plus he's the official baby musician and Elliot seems to really enjoy an Irish song about a drunk man who clearly ignores all the obvious signs that his wife is cheating on him, no silly lullabies in this house, we sing about the real world!

IF there's still a little time in the day we also try to take a walk in the neighborhood with the baby in a stroller (he falls right asleep), or give him a bath, or.. well that's pretty much it, there hasn't been any time in the day beyond that, it's only been two weeks after all. I'm really amazed at how fast time flies and yet I feel as though I do nothing all day, I can hardly even shower!
p.s. there's nothing good on tv at 4am, 7am, or anytime during the day!

Recovery

Well it's been a week and I'm starting to feel better, although my body will still surprise me with nausea, windedness, soreness, and sudden exhaustion when I try to do too much (too much being taking a walk on the same day that I didn't get enough sleep or have a hardy enough breakfast).
But for anyone curious about what happens to a body after birth, here's my experience:

• The pooch leftover after the baby is out sort of looks like a weird flabby 4 1/2 month pregnant belly and it has been slowly shrinking daily though I still don't have any muscle tone feeling from the outside and my linea nigra is still there.
• Weakness and soreness that involves a funny walk, random exhaustion that just makes me have to lay down.
• I had bleeding sort of like a heavy period but with clots of blood that is now starting to lighten.
• Due to the stitching I had a lot of soreness in the perineum area and had to use a special spray bottle when I peed to keep the area clean, I also had to take stool softeners so that my poop wouldn't hurt too much coming out that first week.
• Since my tailbone was either severely bruised or fractured, and still really hurts, it's been really uncomfortable to stand, sit, or shift my lower body, that coupled with the stitching has just kept that whole area really tender and uncomfortable.
• My milk came in pretty quick by the third day and my boobs were HUGE that day!! They were super tender and hard, like bowling balls, but it was funny to see the baby drunk on the milk, he was so happy and satisfied that day. 

• The baby nurses ALOT, I mean practically all the time, and while I'm getting accustomed to the right way to position him to avoid soreness it hasn't been easy. A baby sucking is not like a tender lick from your lover, he really chomps down and my baby is a confirmed 'clamper' meaning that he has no sympathy and I've had some hard and painful days with nipple soreness and bleeding.
• Due to the frequent nursing where I basically have to sit and not move until he's done, sometimes for over an hour at a time with a short break followed by another half an hour, I've been having a lot of back pain and neck stiffness.
• General exhaustion from erratic sleep, frequent nursing, the heat, and not always eating enough (I have to consume a lot more calories but it's hard to find the time to eat!) I have been having frequent headaches of the pounding variety.

The hardest part overall is really the combination of all of the above, and while if Josh is tired he can basically go to bed and tune out, the baby doesn't really care if I'm tired when he's hungry and I'm the only one who can nurse him so I just have to shut up and get up no matter what. 

Of course despite all of that, it's all totally worth it, it's pretty amazing being a mom and what it truly means to me is surrender and sacrifice, all I want to do is give myself to him completely and all the pain disappears when I look at his calm sleeping face.

Our little conductor

(make sure your sound is on!)

Babies don't really do much

The Birth of Elliot

Wow, where do I even begin... ok, we left off with contractions being 7-8 minutes apart from early Tuesday morning until late afternoon. They continued at that pace until about 5pm, at which point they began to intensify and get closer together, each lasting about a minute. By that point it was clear that I was really in labor and we set up all of our prepared necessities like blowing up the pool and arranging all the massage oils, towels, and plastic liners. Josh made me something to eat: corn on the cob and chicken wings, his intentions were good but my response was "it's too complicated" because those things require manual dexterity to operate and I was passing the point of being able to concentrate on things beyond my body. But I ate it all because I knew I would need all the energy I could still accumulate.

How can I describe the feeling of a contraction? It's a wave of pressure/pain in the lower back and belly that gets increasingly strong until it reaches a peak and then descends. It's an overwhelming force from within that demands attention, but every once in a while I also felt a wave spread through my body at the end of a contraction that felt like a cool breeze on the inside. That would be the oxytocin hard at work, nature's epidural, just giving me a little encouragement to keep going. By that point it was pretty intense and I tried moaning to see if it would help and it did, from then on I was basically moaning/howling/squealing through every contraction while pressing my face into a pillow, not because I was trying not to be loud, but it somehow helped to push into something. I had mentally planned out all sorts of different positions that are said to provide some relief, like I could use the medicine ball over here, or I could squat while leaning on this thing here, but when my body got down to business the only position I felt the least uncomfortable in was sitting on a chair facing its' back with the pillow over the edge while Josh massaged my lower back through contractions.

I called Jessica at 6:21pm because the contractions were about 5 minutes apart at that point (meaning 4 minutes in between contractions that each last a minute) and told her not to rush but that tonight's the night. We also called the midwife to tell her what was happening and she said I could get in the pool when I feel that I need to and to call her again when I feel that it's time for her to come over (the midwife's purpose is to be present for the birth, not the labor process, so we didn't want to call her too early, just gave her a heads up that things are progressing so that she would be ready).

Jessica came at around 10 just as things were really getting intense and my mucus plug came out shortly after that although my water still had not broken. She was just the perfect extra pair of hands to massage another part of my body, give me water, and generally help to make me feel comfortable and supported. From then things seemed to progress fairly quickly with contractions picking up the pace and we started to fill up the pool at around 11:30. I got in and the contractions got even more intense although the breaks in between became a little longer, at first I thought the water had slowed the labor down but in hindsight I realize it actually sped it up because after a few contractions in the water I began to feel the urge to push.

We called the midwife to come over quickly because Josh got worried that he'd have to catch the baby, although the pushing phase can last for hours the feeling was imminent and nearly impossible to hold back (though I was trying because I was also afraid of the baby coming out before the midwife arrived). The interesting thing is that while these contractions were the most intense the breaks between them felt more restful, I was able to relax briefly and catch my breath, take a sip of water, and refocus before the next contraction came. Another one of nature's ways of helping to cope so that I wouldn't be too exhausted, oh nature how I appreciate you more than ever now.

The midwife finally came and checked the baby's heartbeat which was fine. She asked if I could feel the head with my fingers in my vagina and I hadn't tried to do that yet but lo and behold there it was, clearly ready to emerge. She helped talk me through the pushing by saying 'don't be afraid to let it be big' and 'try moaning deeper from your center instead of with the high pitch' and 'bear down with your bottom' (in the pool I was sort of in a seated splay leaning over the edge with Josh standing over me to massage my back). After some pushing time with no baby emerging it became evident that he would need a little assistance and the midwife had to use her hands to help me open up. I felt that the baby was almost out and on one big push I felt myself open wide and thought he was coming out yet it still took a few more contractions for the head to finally emerge. Then I felt the midwife literally pulling him out and later Josh and Jessica said they were alarmed at how hard she seemed to be pulling and that his head was blue at the time (which is normal because baby still gets oxygen from the cord until he's completely out). That was the most dynamic and persevering moment of physical awareness I have ever felt. It was like a powerful rift in my whole being.

Of course the reason he needed help coming out is because he was 9 freaking pounds!! But then finally it was over and I turned to see this big floppy baby being handed into my arms and the first thing I thought and said was 'oh my god, it's a real baby!' I mean of course I've felt him moving inside me for so long (and we all know he was a very active fetus) and I knew in some part of my consciousness that it was a baby, but until that moment I somehow thought that this would never really happen because it's just too surreal. After a moment of sitting in the pool with the baby with Josh leaning right over me as we stared at this amazing tiny little being that we created, I awkwardly stood up with him in my arms and came out to sit on the couch which was lined with a shower curtain, a giant towel, and special absorbent padding. The baby was still attached to me and some of the placenta was hanging out, I got another chance to bond with the baby and to nurse him for the first time (he clamped right on and sucked for dear life!)  and then the midwife clamped the cord and Josh got to cut it, he said 'it's like tough meat.'

Then it was Josh's turn to bond with the baby while I delivered the placenta, which felt uncomfortable and gross, just a little painful when the midwife pushed down on my belly a few times to make sure that everything came out. And then came what I would consider to be the worst part of this entire experience. The stitching up of the tearing. Yep, 9 pounds won't leave you intact people, and I had to endure 30 minutes of a needle in my hoo-ha. This is where Jessica proved to be a true friend like no other because she had to stand over the midwife holding a light shining on my most private and tender area. Oh Jessica, there are no words to describe how amazing you are and I do hope you weren't too traumatized. Honestly that was the worst part not just because it was incredibly painful but because, after everything that happened, it was just such a great injustice that I had to lay there and endure this sort of anatomical closure instead of staring at my beautiful baby. But hey, apparently I'm a strong woman and I just kept thinking 'you got this far, it's almost over, just hang in there'.

After that I really started to feel woozy and the exhaustion finally caught up with me. I had now been up for 24 hours, just delivered a baby, and felt the piercing pain of being stitched up on very tender skin. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in a while and I looked really pale and felt light-headed so I said 'I need a granola bar and some juice' and sat with the baby replenishing myself as I stared at all his features in amazement, have you seen the monkey toes?

After that I had to prove I could pee and let me tell ya that was weird, I was so numb and sore I couldn't feel my bladder at all (after all that time of feeling it ALL the time!) and it took a little while but I peed, put on a pad (bleeding goes on for a couple of weeks after birth), and then was walked to the bedroom with the baby. When I sat down I realized my tailbone felt very sore, I thought it was just part of the overall soreness but it turns out I either fractured, broke, or badly bruised it because it still hurts a lot but there's no way to fix it aside from letting it heal on it's own. After some more nursing I was finally able to lay down in my own bed with my new baby in my arms as the team bid farewell because their job was done. Josh still had to drain the pool but he came to join me shortly after that. You would think I would pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow but my mind was very alert plus the baby was tucked at my side and I didn't want to hurt him, and I was a little uncomfortable but couldn't change my position for fear of waking him up. I just laid there and processed everything that had just happened for the two hours until the baby woke me up to nurse.

So now that it's over, how do I feel about my natural home birth decision? I was definitely the right one for me. Sure there was pain and discomfort, but there was also great comfort in other ways that would have been absent if I had gone to a hospital. At no point did I think, 'I don't know if I could do this' or 'maybe we should go to the hospital' I was very present at every single moment and knew that what was happening was natural and that I would get through it. A couple of times Josh had to turn on the kitchen light which is pretty bright and fluorescent and it irritated me so much in the otherwise soft yellowy glow of the living room (kitchen and living room are almost an uninterrupted space in my apartment) and if I had to be in an environment of only that bright light, plus strangers poking and asking questions as this internal tornado was occurring it would have been impossible to endure and I understand the need for an epidural in that scenario, the environment creates that need. Plus the thought of having to get into a vehicle to transport me while contractions were occurring is also beyond imagination.

It felt right, to be in a space where I felt comfortable and familiar, to be surrounded only by the most essential people who I feel safe and supported with, and at the end of it all to sleep in my own bed with my own smells and soft sheets and to wake up in the only place I would want to be.
And how was Josh throughout this whole process? He was amazing, he was at my side the entire time and did everything necessary to support and encourage me and I really felt that I needed him every single second, at one point he was selfish enough to pee and those few seconds of being without him were extra agonizing (even though Jessica provided the necessary backup in the massage area).
So that's it, that's my story, a few photos in the post below (so much text in this one that blogger couldn't fit them), and an experience I will never ever forget.

p.s. so many people have asked me about this when I was pregnant that I have to address it: the pooping. Did I or didn't I? well here's what happens, the body clears itself naturally in preparation of what's to come, so I basically pooped several times throughout the day so by the time I was pushing the baby out there was hardly anything left in my system. But I was in a pool after all so maybe a little slipped out with the effort, we'll never know :)
Next post: the recovery.

Birth of Elliot (photos)

This picture was clearly taken right after the baby came out and I remember thinking 'well, there's no way I'm going to show THIS photo to anyone because I was so exhausted in so many ways and assumed I looked as awful as I felt, but when I saw it the next day I was amazed at how happy and calm I look. Yet again, that's definitely nature's chemical stew spreading a wave of relief throughout my body.

Oh, just a tender bonding moment.

I was debating whether to share this one but hey, it's an honest and naked moment, this is 'the first latch' and I'm happy to say he latched and sucked right away. Since then it's been an adventure in nipple-land but that's a story for another day.

Baby Elliot arrives!

Wow, it was a real baby in my belly all this time! I'll share all the details of the birth as soon as I have a chance :)

Honey, it's (almost) time!

So the ultrasound yesterday was perfectly fine, although I haven't had an ultrasound since I was 5 months when the baby had room to flail and kick his limbs all around with plenty of space. Now, he's so big and there's so little room he looked like a funny little pretzel in there and his face was literally smushed up against the uterine wall. But at that point I already knew the process had begun and now there's finally some progress on the labor front.
Here's what's been happening:  sometime around the middle-end of last week I started feeling random contractions, not painful at all, just sort of a tightening feeling that would actually lift my belly a little and give it a weird square shape. Then on Saturday we did a lot of walking during the day doing errands and I got nauseous and exhausted on the way home and had to take a nap right away. That night we did some acupressure and I felt contractions right away. The next day, Sunday, I had contractions all day consistently at about 20-30 minutes apart. The day after, Monday, I had consistent contractions at 10 minutes apart - the entire day. At that point it was still not painful, just an uncomfortable tightening that made me have to slow down whatever I was doing. We did some more acupressure before I went to bed and in the night the contractions started to get more intense to the point where I could not sleep after 4 am. Since then, today, I'm having consistent contractions that are about 7-8 minutes apart and they definitely demand some attention. It basically feels like the worst menstrual cramps ever and they make me have to bend or lean or pee or rock on the exercise ball or make Josh rub my back. It lasts about a minute so it's mostly tolerable, but coming on every 7 minutes there's only temporary relief.
I obviously had to take several breaks to even write this much but I figured whoever is actually reading this deserves an update, plus aside from frequent discomfort I am rather bored and in need of distraction.
This process is different for everyone and later on when people ask me how long I was in labor it will be difficult to know how to define when it technically began. Plus I really have no idea how much longer it will last! My water has yet to break and it's too early to call the midwife, I'm hoping that the contractions will continue to progress throughout the day and this procrastinating child will finally reveal himself to me before the sun comes up again. Wish me luck and send me happy vibes of relief and a speedy delivery!

The Zen Art of Doing Nothing

Nope, not yet.
First, let me assure everyone, again, that a first baby being born past due date is perfectly normal. I'm only 5 days past due date and every day I get anxious inquiries via phone, text, facebook, or email about whether I'm a)laying half-dead on an operating table or b)had the baby but forgot to tell you. Aside from my own anxieties that is the hardest part about this waiting game, having to explain why i'm such a failure at making your day today, or yesterday, and torturing you with concern.
So then, here's my medical update: my midwife came over today and checked me and the baby, his responsiveness and heartbeat, my blood pressure, proteins, blood, and GBS again. EVERYTHING IS FINE. Not only is this normal, but it's to be expected, first babies for some reason are much more likely to be born on 41 & 1 - meaning 41 weeks and 1 day, which for me would be another 3 days from now on Monday. But either way, just to take a closer look I've scheduled an ultrasound for Monday to check the baby again and my fluids and placenta and everything. Then, if still nothing, I'll give acupuncture a try.
IF I get to 42 weeks, which would be 9 days from now next Sunday then we will discuss breaking my water and stripping my membranes to get the process started. But I'm pretty sure we won't get to that point because I'm slowly feeling more frequent cramplike sensations and I think he's getting ready, just slowly, because like his dad he's putting off doing a necessary chore until the last possible moment when i'm about to say 'fine I'll do it myself!'
In the meantime, Isis has made a nook on the tarp inside the birth pool where she likes to sleep and we've discovered another neighborhood gem - a grimaldi's bakery, yum! I have to dust off the stroller and other baby stuff because it's been sitting around looking pretty sad, and I'm going to nap again. Poor Josh isn't getting much sleep these days either because every night we both think it's going to be the THE night, plus I'm still often hungry at 4-5am, so nighttime is a rotating ships-in-the-night sort of time for us between one person trying to fall asleep and the other watching Jump Start music videos on VH1 on the couch.
Yesterday, I was pretty bummed, today, I'm feeling better because I was reassured by the midwife that everything is fine. This is truly a test of my zen nature, I just have to do nothing and wait. Please, don't call us, we'll call you.

OPB (other people's babies)

Hello there anxious people awaiting news, sorry there isn't any yet! I'm a bit anxious myself, the first few days of relaxing have been great but now I'm getting impatient, this waiting game is hard! We've been walking walking walking to try to help ease the baby down and explored the neighborhood like we've never done before! There's a thai restaurant just a few blocks away, several tattoo shops we never knew about, an arcade, and I can now map out all the best italian ice hot spots in a 20 block radius. The only thing that gets me down is seeing all those other people's babies happily outside the womb and secretly telling my baby 'see, they did it, what are you waiting for?'

I can definitely feel that the baby is very low in the launch position now and I'm sure he must be ready any day now. I'm feeling the occasional cramp-like sensations but no real contractions yet, though every time I feel anything at all I stop and listen, hoping it's going to build and that this is the beginning. I'm starting to consider getting acupuncture to help nudge things along if nothing happens by the end of the week. It is supposed to be very  effective and I believe the place I used to go to is quite authentic and actually had a hand in my getting pregnant in the first place. I know I know, I shouldn't rush nature, but my 12 weeks of no-workyness have already begun so time waiting is sort of time wasted, we'll see.
There was one thing that really brightened my day today and that is that my dad FINALLY sent me 2 pictures of my new baby sister, here they are!

Ahhh, just takin' it easy

Well, today is the big day, the day I've been waiting for for months, August 1st and no baby yet. When my mom was pregnant with me the doctors said I should be born sometime around the end of January and I wish it was with the same nonspecific estimate that I knew to expect my baby to come - sometime around the beginning of August. That way the excitement could be spread out over a few weeks and not concentrated on one passing day on which nothing happens.
This sort of reminds me of the feeling after graduating college, all this work and anticipation with the expectation that once you have a degree the rest of your life would just fall into place. Yet you graduate and move back home and look for jobs and... nothing, the edge of a cliff, waiting for this 'real life' you've heard so much about to begin. That's sort of how I feel right now, as though I've done everything I was supposed to do like eating healthy and doing yoga and waiting and preparing and learning and now that my to-do list is completely crossed off it's as though time is standing still. I'm done with work and all my birth preparations are in place, this is the first time in a very very long time where I can just... do nothing. I can sleep in and nap some more if I feel like it, I can bead and knit or read and eat, take walks around the neighborhood eating italian ices, or lounge around watching movies.
Hmmm, come to think of it this is pretty freakin sweet! It's sort of the calm before the storm isn't it? I should enjoy every minute of this waiting time because from the minute I begin to labor probably until the day I retire my time will be stretched thin and all planned out again. Yeah, I'm gonna go do some of that relaxing right now, here's a funny picture to hold you over.

T minus how much longer?

I'm still preggo people, did you know that 7 out of 10 first babies are born after the due date? Ugh, I definitely set myself up to expect that this baby would come early, so now even though I haven't reached my due date yet I already feel like he's late. Not to mention the impatience of others, I'm getting a lot of "you're still here?" from coworkers and "well? is there a baby yet?" from friends and family. I've also been trying to encourage the baby in certain small ways, like by drinking red raspberry leaf tea (which is a uterine strengthener), stimulating pressure points, and ahem.. other means of the sexy variety (but really in the least sexy way possible when you consider that I really can hardly move and generally have little actual desire because I'm so achey and sweaty and just blah). I feel like a giant penguin, all awkard and waddling side to side, I could definitely tip right over if someone gave me an unexpected shove.

But you know what, enough of that! I have just one more day of work and dragging myself through the process of commuting and being 'on' , after that I'm just going to relax, read and bead, eat, and meditate. Maybe baby doesn't want to be born to me being all tense and stressed and impatient and he's just waiting for me to chill the fuck out. Smart baby.

Just a little bit longer

Since 37 weeks I've been not so secretly hoping this baby would come early, but clearly he's pretty comfortable in there and knows he's entitled to 40 weeks so 40 weeks he will have darn it! I think he knows a good thing when he's found it: a rent controlled apartment overlooking the ocean, free catering daily, and absolutely no responsibilities. That's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me, but seriously baby, if you're not ready to explore the unknown when August 1st comes and goes I'm castor oiling you out of there!

Now that it's getting close people are definitely treating me like a timebomb and it seems like great fodder for chit-chat with strangers or acquaintances, 'wow, must be soon now, eh?' 'quit holding that kid hostage!' 'you must be SOOOO uncomfortable with this heat,' 'gee, I hope everything goes ok with the delivery.' Well, yes thank you, I will absorb your kind of words of support and repel your negative vibes.

I am pretty excited about my upcoming last week of work (which, if maternity policy didn't suck so much, would have been weeks ago), and maybe it's my psychological need for closure that's preventing my body from beginning labor any earlier than my brain can say 'ok, all the loose ends are tied up, you can move on now.' I've really done the best I could to minimize the damage in my absence and I think it'll be just fine. Sure my boss will have some rough days here and there but most people have said that no one realizes how important you are until you're not there and I hope that happens and there will be some sort of parade when I return (more likely a heaping pile of spreadsheets and marketing materials). Another reason I hope this baby comes soon is that I get 12 weeks no matter what, so if he's born 1 or 2 weeks late that means I'll have to leave a 2 1/2 month old when I go back instead of a 3 month old and it seems like every precious day together will make a difference.

The home stretch

OK, here's what's happening lately. My midwife says baby is about 7lbs. now and that he's actually pretty long. Now I definitely knew that because those little feet could reach so far to my sides that he was practically wrapping himself around me. But it's official, he's going to be long and skinny, wonder who he get's that from!
Another thing that's been happening over the past week is that he's been 'dropping'. I've been waiting for this dropping thing to happen and was sort of expecting it to be more of a sudden plunge downwards (look ma, a cannonball!), but it's been quite gradual with very subtle sensations of internal stretching and a little more room created for my ribs and lungs. My midwife said his head is nice and tucked into the pelvis now and needless to say he's still in the optimal position for birth. I bet he's going to be an athlete because he's got his body and rhythms all figured out. Speaking of rhythms, I've also been feeling some breath-like motions in there, as if he's trying out his new lungs, which is very cool and makes me think he's almost ready.
Josh and I had a private lesson with a prenatal massage therapist to help us, mostly him, learn the best massage techniques for labor. Unfortunately for him the one I liked best is one that probably looks very silly and definitely requires the most strenuous use of his body because it entails him pushing his butt up against my lower back. But it creates such a wide area of counter-pressure in the most tense area of my lower back that he'd better start working out those quads because when I'm in the throes of labor the last thing I'm going to want to hear is him say that his thighs are tired.
These massage techniques also entail the use of specific pressure points which, if stimulated too early, can be dangerous because they can actually bring on labor. Clearly I'm at a point where it's safe but that just shows how powerful they are, and since that day I've actually begun to feel some contractions. It's normal to feel random contractions as the body prepares for birth but since that massage day I have definitely noticed them more. It basically feels like menstrual cramps + back pain and it makes me just generally feel more serious and tune inwards because I know it's really going to happen soon. It can happen any day now!!
Here's what we look like on the inside, c'mon cervix, start thinning!

Looking for an exit?

Seriously, this goes on all day long! Even though it may appear that the baby is laying sideways, he's actually head down so the big lump on the left is his booty stretching out and arching like a cat, with those tenacious little feet kicking me on the right.

Apparently this video isn't working on some computers that don't have the latest video updates so if it's not playing you can see it here too: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93_6yyfjeAc

Preparing for home birth

Woo-hoo! I'm officially at 'full term' which means that if the baby were to be born now his lungs are mature enough to survive outside the womb without the need of any special  interventions. It also means that we're really getting close now and it's time to get things ready. Since I'm planning a home birth there's a whole lot of stuff I'll need to have ready for the big day, the most important of which is the labor pool. Now this doesn't necessarily mean that I'm having a waterbirth, although it might turn out that way, the pool is really intended to relieve the pressure of contractions by providing a buoyancy and is apparently the best natural childbirth pain-reliever there is. The plan is that I'll be alternating positions and getting massages for the early part of labor and once I've dilated past 5cm I'll get in that pool and stay in for as long as I feel comfortable, either until I'm completely dilated and ready to get out and push or if I decide to stay in then I won't come out until after the birth.
We rented the pool over the weekend (don't worry, we have a sterile liner!) and inflated it to make sure there's enough room in the kitchen and to give it an antibacterial wipedown. Here's Josh inflating it and me feeling it out.

oh by the way, it's actually called 'birth pool in a box!'

Aside from the pool, there's a whole host of other supplies I'll need for labor, birth, and post-birth and I'm happy to say that I've pretty much got everything ready, this includes: towels and sheets, sterile gloves, pads of all sizes, plastic containers, bulb syringe, cord clamp, thermometer, garbage bags, hydrogen peroxide, alcohol, lubricant, blanket and washcloths for baby, a diaper, plastic sheets, hot/cold packs, and a few other things. Of course I'll also need a few comfort necessities: scented candles, roll massager, rolling pin, massage oils, music, lots of pillows, and snacks.

Aren't I so super organized? Of course we'll still not have something and someone will have to run out like mad into the streets searching for it. In terms of the more medically-oriented necessities, my midwife will come equipped with all sorts of fun stuff like an oxygen tank, suturing supplies (which I really really hope won't be necessary), baby heel stick test, and I don't even know what else - stuff to save a life in an an emergency I suppose.
And for all you alarmists out there like my grandmother who is worried sick imagining that I'll be dancing naked around a bonfire in the woods, conjuring up pagan fertility gods while my voodoo witch woman rubs ox blood on my belly, modern scientific evidence has shown that home birth is just as safe if not safer for healthy women with an uncomplicated pregnancy who are having 1 baby which is positioned head down. Check and check. However, should medical intervention be necessary I along with my team are all in harmonious agreement that we have no qualms about going to the hospital, which is very close, where my midwife has a working relationship and will be able to stay with me and communicate my needs and preferences to the intervening staff.
As we're getting closer and closer I'm getting more and more excited (as much as I am exhausted and persistently uncomfortable of course) and I'm completely happy and comfortable with this home birth decision. It's all going turn out perfectly :)