Back to work

Well despite my best efforts at freezing time I did finally return to work and you know, I survived, it wasn't that bad. Of course I missed Elliot and thought of him all day but I wasn't overwhelmed with emotional yearning, it was more the drudgery of office work that made me wish I wasn't there. Plus the constant pumping. I thought I would be ok with doing it twice during the work day but apparently nature didn't get the memo that I'm not connected to my baby 24/7 anymore and I've had to do it 3 times a day. Aside from the fact that it's just annoying to have to do that so often, it takes me away from actually doing work and I have a pretty busy job so I definitely see conflicts in my future.

I'd say the second week is harder than the first for me, it's really starting to sink in that missing my child is just going to be a constant feeling and there's something unjust and sad about that. I'm starting to notice him growing now, I mean I can actually see it, I feel like he's already bigger tonight than he was this morning! Plus I have this nagging paranoia that he'll forget me, or that subconsciously he feels abandoned and he'll have deep-rooted resentment towards me for the rest of his life. I know, it's fine, especially because he still has his dad all day, but still, these are the things that swirl around in my mind.

I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. But it's not easy balancing work and motherhood, though no one ever said it would be, I always feel like there's so much to do and though I'm doing things all day I get hardly anything done. The best part of the day for me is in the morning when I'm nursing Elliot, he's so warm and sleepy and sweet, he nurses without fussing and I can just stare at him and be 100% present, plus he's usually very smiley and happy when he's done so that gives me just enough fuel to get through the day until I get to see him again.

The fact that he's home with Josh and not in daycare makes things easier for sure, I can rest easy knowing he's in good hands and that goes a long way. In case you're wondering how Josh is handling being a SAHD (stay at home dad), well I think he's doing great, really really great. I knew he'd be a wonderful father so there's no surprises there, but being alone with a baby all day, day after day after day, plus cooking and cleaning up, well its hard and lets just say I had my doubts. But so far he's doing amazing and this whole parenting experiment is working out (actually, haha, he's complaining about how cranky the baby was today on the phone as I type, well no one ever said we can't complain!).

There's definitely something to be said about a man and his boy-child. They have such a connection it just melts my heart, I can't wait to watch them participate in all sorts of father/son activities as Elliot grows up.

Other updates about stuff Elliot does: He watches TV, I mean you know we're not the type of parents who use TV as a substitute for actual parenting but sometimes we're just worn out and we put it on ok? so don't judge! We just want him to chill quietly sometimes and he seems to do that pretty well on the couch, propped up with a pillow, facing the tube. I guess it's the colors and sounds that he's trying to make sense of, I don't know, but the few moments of respite it offers is just too tempting to deny, until the guilt kicks in and then we're back to walking him around, playing the piano, standing on our heads, whatever it takes! Also, apparently he can hold his bottle for a bit of time with his tiny hands and he even knows he has to tilt it to get more milk out. I haven't seen this yet because I obviously don't use the bottle with him, but he does sort of hold my boob sometimes when he eats so I believe it. What else.. he hates taking baths all of a sudden. He used to just be ok with it but now he cries a terrible shrieking cry the entire time like I'm torturing him! Oh also, he can sort of sit up now. It's funny because if you put him on the couch just propped up with a little pillow he has the strength to pull himself up but then he just flops to the side all hunched over like a drunk man. There's lots of things he does that can be compared to a drunk man actually. But the funniest thing he does is fart when he's straining or when he's sleeping. Sometimes he farts at just the perfect moment, like when a punchline is delivered in a jokey sentence. I'm usually not one for thinking farting is funny, but it's definitely funny when a baby does it. Ok, well, more updates to come.