How can I describe the feeling of a contraction? It's a wave of pressure/pain in the lower back and belly that gets increasingly strong until it reaches a peak and then descends. It's an overwhelming force from within that demands attention, but every once in a while I also felt a wave spread through my body at the end of a contraction that felt like a cool breeze on the inside. That would be the oxytocin hard at work, nature's epidural, just giving me a little encouragement to keep going. By that point it was pretty intense and I tried moaning to see if it would help and it did, from then on I was basically moaning/howling/squealing through every contraction while pressing my face into a pillow, not because I was trying not to be loud, but it somehow helped to push into something. I had mentally planned out all sorts of different positions that are said to provide some relief, like I could use the medicine ball over here, or I could squat while leaning on this thing here, but when my body got down to business the only position I felt the least uncomfortable in was sitting on a chair facing its' back with the pillow over the edge while Josh massaged my lower back through contractions.
I called Jessica at 6:21pm because the contractions were about 5 minutes apart at that point (meaning 4 minutes in between contractions that each last a minute) and told her not to rush but that tonight's the night. We also called the midwife to tell her what was happening and she said I could get in the pool when I feel that I need to and to call her again when I feel that it's time for her to come over (the midwife's purpose is to be present for the birth, not the labor process, so we didn't want to call her too early, just gave her a heads up that things are progressing so that she would be ready).
Jessica came at around 10 just as things were really getting intense and my mucus plug came out shortly after that although my water still had not broken. She was just the perfect extra pair of hands to massage another part of my body, give me water, and generally help to make me feel comfortable and supported. From then things seemed to progress fairly quickly with contractions picking up the pace and we started to fill up the pool at around 11:30. I got in and the contractions got even more intense although the breaks in between became a little longer, at first I thought the water had slowed the labor down but in hindsight I realize it actually sped it up because after a few contractions in the water I began to feel the urge to push.
We called the midwife to come over quickly because Josh got worried that he'd have to catch the baby, although the pushing phase can last for hours the feeling was imminent and nearly impossible to hold back (though I was trying because I was also afraid of the baby coming out before the midwife arrived). The interesting thing is that while these contractions were the most intense the breaks between them felt more restful, I was able to relax briefly and catch my breath, take a sip of water, and refocus before the next contraction came. Another one of nature's ways of helping to cope so that I wouldn't be too exhausted, oh nature how I appreciate you more than ever now.
The midwife finally came and checked the baby's heartbeat which was fine. She asked if I could feel the head with my fingers in my vagina and I hadn't tried to do that yet but lo and behold there it was, clearly ready to emerge. She helped talk me through the pushing by saying 'don't be afraid to let it be big' and 'try moaning deeper from your center instead of with the high pitch' and 'bear down with your bottom' (in the pool I was sort of in a seated splay leaning over the edge with Josh standing over me to massage my back). After some pushing time with no baby emerging it became evident that he would need a little assistance and the midwife had to use her hands to help me open up. I felt that the baby was almost out and on one big push I felt myself open wide and thought he was coming out yet it still took a few more contractions for the head to finally emerge. Then I felt the midwife literally pulling him out and later Josh and Jessica said they were alarmed at how hard she seemed to be pulling and that his head was blue at the time (which is normal because baby still gets oxygen from the cord until he's completely out). That was the most dynamic and persevering moment of physical awareness I have ever felt. It was like a powerful rift in my whole being.
Of course the reason he needed help coming out is because he was 9 freaking pounds!! But then finally it was over and I turned to see this big floppy baby being handed into my arms and the first thing I thought and said was 'oh my god, it's a real baby!' I mean of course I've felt him moving inside me for so long (and we all know he was a very active fetus) and I knew in some part of my consciousness that it was a baby, but until that moment I somehow thought that this would never really happen because it's just too surreal. After a moment of sitting in the pool with the baby with Josh leaning right over me as we stared at this amazing tiny little being that we created, I awkwardly stood up with him in my arms and came out to sit on the couch which was lined with a shower curtain, a giant towel, and special absorbent padding. The baby was still attached to me and some of the placenta was hanging out, I got another chance to bond with the baby and to nurse him for the first time (he clamped right on and sucked for dear life!) and then the midwife clamped the cord and Josh got to cut it, he said 'it's like tough meat.'
Then it was Josh's turn to bond with the baby while I delivered the placenta, which felt uncomfortable and gross, just a little painful when the midwife pushed down on my belly a few times to make sure that everything came out. And then came what I would consider to be the worst part of this entire experience. The stitching up of the tearing. Yep, 9 pounds won't leave you intact people, and I had to endure 30 minutes of a needle in my hoo-ha. This is where Jessica proved to be a true friend like no other because she had to stand over the midwife holding a light shining on my most private and tender area. Oh Jessica, there are no words to describe how amazing you are and I do hope you weren't too traumatized. Honestly that was the worst part not just because it was incredibly painful but because, after everything that happened, it was just such a great injustice that I had to lay there and endure this sort of anatomical closure instead of staring at my beautiful baby. But hey, apparently I'm a strong woman and I just kept thinking 'you got this far, it's almost over, just hang in there'.
After that I really started to feel woozy and the exhaustion finally caught up with me. I had now been up for 24 hours, just delivered a baby, and felt the piercing pain of being stitched up on very tender skin. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in a while and I looked really pale and felt light-headed so I said 'I need a granola bar and some juice' and sat with the baby replenishing myself as I stared at all his features in amazement, have you seen the monkey toes?
After that I had to prove I could pee and let me tell ya that was weird, I was so numb and sore I couldn't feel my bladder at all (after all that time of feeling it ALL the time!) and it took a little while but I peed, put on a pad (bleeding goes on for a couple of weeks after birth), and then was walked to the bedroom with the baby. When I sat down I realized my tailbone felt very sore, I thought it was just part of the overall soreness but it turns out I either fractured, broke, or badly bruised it because it still hurts a lot but there's no way to fix it aside from letting it heal on it's own. After some more nursing I was finally able to lay down in my own bed with my new baby in my arms as the team bid farewell because their job was done. Josh still had to drain the pool but he came to join me shortly after that. You would think I would pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow but my mind was very alert plus the baby was tucked at my side and I didn't want to hurt him, and I was a little uncomfortable but couldn't change my position for fear of waking him up. I just laid there and processed everything that had just happened for the two hours until the baby woke me up to nurse.
So now that it's over, how do I feel about my natural home birth decision? I was definitely the right one for me. Sure there was pain and discomfort, but there was also great comfort in other ways that would have been absent if I had gone to a hospital. At no point did I think, 'I don't know if I could do this' or 'maybe we should go to the hospital' I was very present at every single moment and knew that what was happening was natural and that I would get through it. A couple of times Josh had to turn on the kitchen light which is pretty bright and fluorescent and it irritated me so much in the otherwise soft yellowy glow of the living room (kitchen and living room are almost an uninterrupted space in my apartment) and if I had to be in an environment of only that bright light, plus strangers poking and asking questions as this internal tornado was occurring it would have been impossible to endure and I understand the need for an epidural in that scenario, the environment creates that need. Plus the thought of having to get into a vehicle to transport me while contractions were occurring is also beyond imagination.
It felt right, to be in a space where I felt comfortable and familiar, to be surrounded only by the most essential people who I feel safe and supported with, and at the end of it all to sleep in my own bed with my own smells and soft sheets and to wake up in the only place I would want to be.
And how was Josh throughout this whole process? He was amazing, he was at my side the entire time and did everything necessary to support and encourage me and I really felt that I needed him every single second, at one point he was selfish enough to pee and those few seconds of being without him were extra agonizing (even though Jessica provided the necessary backup in the massage area).
So that's it, that's my story, a few photos in the post below (so much text in this one that blogger couldn't fit them), and an experience I will never ever forget.
p.s. so many people have asked me about this when I was pregnant that I have to address it: the pooping. Did I or didn't I? well here's what happens, the body clears itself naturally in preparation of what's to come, so I basically pooped several times throughout the day so by the time I was pushing the baby out there was hardly anything left in my system. But I was in a pool after all so maybe a little slipped out with the effort, we'll never know :)
Next post: the recovery.
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