T minus how much longer?

I'm still preggo people, did you know that 7 out of 10 first babies are born after the due date? Ugh, I definitely set myself up to expect that this baby would come early, so now even though I haven't reached my due date yet I already feel like he's late. Not to mention the impatience of others, I'm getting a lot of "you're still here?" from coworkers and "well? is there a baby yet?" from friends and family. I've also been trying to encourage the baby in certain small ways, like by drinking red raspberry leaf tea (which is a uterine strengthener), stimulating pressure points, and ahem.. other means of the sexy variety (but really in the least sexy way possible when you consider that I really can hardly move and generally have little actual desire because I'm so achey and sweaty and just blah). I feel like a giant penguin, all awkard and waddling side to side, I could definitely tip right over if someone gave me an unexpected shove.

But you know what, enough of that! I have just one more day of work and dragging myself through the process of commuting and being 'on' , after that I'm just going to relax, read and bead, eat, and meditate. Maybe baby doesn't want to be born to me being all tense and stressed and impatient and he's just waiting for me to chill the fuck out. Smart baby.

Just a little bit longer

Since 37 weeks I've been not so secretly hoping this baby would come early, but clearly he's pretty comfortable in there and knows he's entitled to 40 weeks so 40 weeks he will have darn it! I think he knows a good thing when he's found it: a rent controlled apartment overlooking the ocean, free catering daily, and absolutely no responsibilities. That's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me, but seriously baby, if you're not ready to explore the unknown when August 1st comes and goes I'm castor oiling you out of there!

Now that it's getting close people are definitely treating me like a timebomb and it seems like great fodder for chit-chat with strangers or acquaintances, 'wow, must be soon now, eh?' 'quit holding that kid hostage!' 'you must be SOOOO uncomfortable with this heat,' 'gee, I hope everything goes ok with the delivery.' Well, yes thank you, I will absorb your kind of words of support and repel your negative vibes.

I am pretty excited about my upcoming last week of work (which, if maternity policy didn't suck so much, would have been weeks ago), and maybe it's my psychological need for closure that's preventing my body from beginning labor any earlier than my brain can say 'ok, all the loose ends are tied up, you can move on now.' I've really done the best I could to minimize the damage in my absence and I think it'll be just fine. Sure my boss will have some rough days here and there but most people have said that no one realizes how important you are until you're not there and I hope that happens and there will be some sort of parade when I return (more likely a heaping pile of spreadsheets and marketing materials). Another reason I hope this baby comes soon is that I get 12 weeks no matter what, so if he's born 1 or 2 weeks late that means I'll have to leave a 2 1/2 month old when I go back instead of a 3 month old and it seems like every precious day together will make a difference.

The home stretch

OK, here's what's happening lately. My midwife says baby is about 7lbs. now and that he's actually pretty long. Now I definitely knew that because those little feet could reach so far to my sides that he was practically wrapping himself around me. But it's official, he's going to be long and skinny, wonder who he get's that from!
Another thing that's been happening over the past week is that he's been 'dropping'. I've been waiting for this dropping thing to happen and was sort of expecting it to be more of a sudden plunge downwards (look ma, a cannonball!), but it's been quite gradual with very subtle sensations of internal stretching and a little more room created for my ribs and lungs. My midwife said his head is nice and tucked into the pelvis now and needless to say he's still in the optimal position for birth. I bet he's going to be an athlete because he's got his body and rhythms all figured out. Speaking of rhythms, I've also been feeling some breath-like motions in there, as if he's trying out his new lungs, which is very cool and makes me think he's almost ready.
Josh and I had a private lesson with a prenatal massage therapist to help us, mostly him, learn the best massage techniques for labor. Unfortunately for him the one I liked best is one that probably looks very silly and definitely requires the most strenuous use of his body because it entails him pushing his butt up against my lower back. But it creates such a wide area of counter-pressure in the most tense area of my lower back that he'd better start working out those quads because when I'm in the throes of labor the last thing I'm going to want to hear is him say that his thighs are tired.
These massage techniques also entail the use of specific pressure points which, if stimulated too early, can be dangerous because they can actually bring on labor. Clearly I'm at a point where it's safe but that just shows how powerful they are, and since that day I've actually begun to feel some contractions. It's normal to feel random contractions as the body prepares for birth but since that massage day I have definitely noticed them more. It basically feels like menstrual cramps + back pain and it makes me just generally feel more serious and tune inwards because I know it's really going to happen soon. It can happen any day now!!
Here's what we look like on the inside, c'mon cervix, start thinning!

Looking for an exit?

Seriously, this goes on all day long! Even though it may appear that the baby is laying sideways, he's actually head down so the big lump on the left is his booty stretching out and arching like a cat, with those tenacious little feet kicking me on the right.

Apparently this video isn't working on some computers that don't have the latest video updates so if it's not playing you can see it here too: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93_6yyfjeAc

Preparing for home birth

Woo-hoo! I'm officially at 'full term' which means that if the baby were to be born now his lungs are mature enough to survive outside the womb without the need of any special  interventions. It also means that we're really getting close now and it's time to get things ready. Since I'm planning a home birth there's a whole lot of stuff I'll need to have ready for the big day, the most important of which is the labor pool. Now this doesn't necessarily mean that I'm having a waterbirth, although it might turn out that way, the pool is really intended to relieve the pressure of contractions by providing a buoyancy and is apparently the best natural childbirth pain-reliever there is. The plan is that I'll be alternating positions and getting massages for the early part of labor and once I've dilated past 5cm I'll get in that pool and stay in for as long as I feel comfortable, either until I'm completely dilated and ready to get out and push or if I decide to stay in then I won't come out until after the birth.
We rented the pool over the weekend (don't worry, we have a sterile liner!) and inflated it to make sure there's enough room in the kitchen and to give it an antibacterial wipedown. Here's Josh inflating it and me feeling it out.

oh by the way, it's actually called 'birth pool in a box!'

Aside from the pool, there's a whole host of other supplies I'll need for labor, birth, and post-birth and I'm happy to say that I've pretty much got everything ready, this includes: towels and sheets, sterile gloves, pads of all sizes, plastic containers, bulb syringe, cord clamp, thermometer, garbage bags, hydrogen peroxide, alcohol, lubricant, blanket and washcloths for baby, a diaper, plastic sheets, hot/cold packs, and a few other things. Of course I'll also need a few comfort necessities: scented candles, roll massager, rolling pin, massage oils, music, lots of pillows, and snacks.

Aren't I so super organized? Of course we'll still not have something and someone will have to run out like mad into the streets searching for it. In terms of the more medically-oriented necessities, my midwife will come equipped with all sorts of fun stuff like an oxygen tank, suturing supplies (which I really really hope won't be necessary), baby heel stick test, and I don't even know what else - stuff to save a life in an an emergency I suppose.
And for all you alarmists out there like my grandmother who is worried sick imagining that I'll be dancing naked around a bonfire in the woods, conjuring up pagan fertility gods while my voodoo witch woman rubs ox blood on my belly, modern scientific evidence has shown that home birth is just as safe if not safer for healthy women with an uncomplicated pregnancy who are having 1 baby which is positioned head down. Check and check. However, should medical intervention be necessary I along with my team are all in harmonious agreement that we have no qualms about going to the hospital, which is very close, where my midwife has a working relationship and will be able to stay with me and communicate my needs and preferences to the intervening staff.
As we're getting closer and closer I'm getting more and more excited (as much as I am exhausted and persistently uncomfortable of course) and I'm completely happy and comfortable with this home birth decision. It's all going turn out perfectly :)

Warning: emotions revealed

Wow, hard to believe I'm just three weeks away now (IF baby is keeping a schedule book), all this time and waiting and going through the spectrum of emotional responses (shock, joy, fear, anxiety, disbelief, excitement, acceptance, balance - in that order) and it's really going to happen soon. It's strange how things turn out, I mean this little guy was a complete surprise, sort of a pregnancy against the odds in more ways than one, but I can't imagine what I would be doing now if he wasn't part of me, if I wasn't preparing for something that is completely new to me yet somehow feels totally natural.  Aside from being stressed at work, physically tired, and subconsciously unsettled about bringing a life into a world I believe is utterly irrational, I'm ready. I'm ready to graduate from the life I had before and I'm ready to give myself completely and surrender all my selfness for this great powerful love. I know that some days will be rewarding and other days will be devastating, it will definitely be challenging, and it will most certainly be fascinating and hilarious too.

It's hard to really explain this but this fetus/baby/cantaloupe already has a personality, he is determined and strong, he has a sense of identity and confidence, and he has a sense of humor and curiosity. Of course I only want the best for him, but by his very unfortunate nature of being a member of the human race, he will suffer and yearn and somehow always be searching for something that is just barely out of reach - don't we all? Anyway, I'm rambling or something, existential reflections on life and being a pre-person person. All I can do is observe his positive natural tendencies and foster their growth, to me that's what being a good parent is all about. I can't teach him how to live or tell him that he shouldn't go out with dumb girls named Heather who chew their gum too loud (although, admittedly, I will probably try), but I can show him that being a good and kind person is all that really matters in this world and hope that he becomes one. For that, I'm ready.

How are you feeling?

People have been asking me lately how I'm feeling so I decided to provide some visual illustrations. Generally I'm feeling more and more... pregnant.

• I'm heavy and shaped weird, I waddle from side to side when i walk
• I can't walk fast to catch a train, or even hop across the kitchen floor so as not to miss a so-you-think-you-can-dancer solo - and that's not really because I'm carrying around an extra 30 lbs. but it actually feels very uncomfortable in the lower belly area to move too fast or to get up suddenly
• Sitting, standing, or even laying down for too long all feel uncomfortable and achey after a while
• It's hot and humid, and there's definitely some sort of greenhouse effect in our apartment so me and the cats are all panting pathetically, I feel like a melting bowl of sticky gross jello
• Everything hurts, all the muscles from my neck on down to my heels, all my joints, hips and knees, ribs, and even my fingers and toes!!
• Still peeing freakin' constantly!
• Haven't slept well in months - between the body aches, having to prop myself up with all those darn pillows, peeing every 2-3 hours, random middle-of-the-night hunger, plus still having to get up at 7am and endure a full day of work, I feel like a zombie most of the time
• Heartburn and shallow breathing contribute to overall discomfort, as well as insatiable thirst - which obviously causes more peeing.

This baby is feeling more and more like a real baby size-wise. It's no longer just a precious little fluttery gem in the depths of my being, but an almost full-size actual baby. I can feel his strong legs and heels digging into my sides, his elbows and even fingers cascading across my womb, and especially that big ol' rump that moves from side to side as he stretches out. I don't know this for a fact but I'm pretty sure he's more active than the average fetus, I mean he's supposed to mellow out by now because of the dwindling space but I don't think he got that memo, he's kicking around in there like he's rearranging the furniture  from morning till night, and middle of the night too! I think he's starting to realize that 'hey this place is getting a little snug, I wonder if I should starting looking for a nice two bedroom downtown'.  Yes, baby, start packing! 

Now of course I'm thrilled to be having a baby and this whole experience has been enlightening and fascinating. I fully accept that with the privilege and joy of bringing a new life into the world comes a little physical distress. I think I've handled it pretty well so far, don't you? But now it's the final stretch and I'm basically just trying to hang in there until the big day. I'm tired and stressed and having to actually concentrate on keeping my energy up, which totally makes sense in preparation for labor. My midwife said that by the time this baby comes I'll be READY to release him and I'm starting to understand what that means. There's only so long that two people can share a body, and I'm starting to need my space! So please, if you see me, don't ask me how I'm feeling, just tell me turn to the side and lean forward as you rub my back and then offer me a cold glass of iced tea :)