Warning: emotions revealed

Wow, hard to believe I'm just three weeks away now (IF baby is keeping a schedule book), all this time and waiting and going through the spectrum of emotional responses (shock, joy, fear, anxiety, disbelief, excitement, acceptance, balance - in that order) and it's really going to happen soon. It's strange how things turn out, I mean this little guy was a complete surprise, sort of a pregnancy against the odds in more ways than one, but I can't imagine what I would be doing now if he wasn't part of me, if I wasn't preparing for something that is completely new to me yet somehow feels totally natural.  Aside from being stressed at work, physically tired, and subconsciously unsettled about bringing a life into a world I believe is utterly irrational, I'm ready. I'm ready to graduate from the life I had before and I'm ready to give myself completely and surrender all my selfness for this great powerful love. I know that some days will be rewarding and other days will be devastating, it will definitely be challenging, and it will most certainly be fascinating and hilarious too.

It's hard to really explain this but this fetus/baby/cantaloupe already has a personality, he is determined and strong, he has a sense of identity and confidence, and he has a sense of humor and curiosity. Of course I only want the best for him, but by his very unfortunate nature of being a member of the human race, he will suffer and yearn and somehow always be searching for something that is just barely out of reach - don't we all? Anyway, I'm rambling or something, existential reflections on life and being a pre-person person. All I can do is observe his positive natural tendencies and foster their growth, to me that's what being a good parent is all about. I can't teach him how to live or tell him that he shouldn't go out with dumb girls named Heather who chew their gum too loud (although, admittedly, I will probably try), but I can show him that being a good and kind person is all that really matters in this world and hope that he becomes one. For that, I'm ready.

How are you feeling?

People have been asking me lately how I'm feeling so I decided to provide some visual illustrations. Generally I'm feeling more and more... pregnant.

• I'm heavy and shaped weird, I waddle from side to side when i walk
• I can't walk fast to catch a train, or even hop across the kitchen floor so as not to miss a so-you-think-you-can-dancer solo - and that's not really because I'm carrying around an extra 30 lbs. but it actually feels very uncomfortable in the lower belly area to move too fast or to get up suddenly
• Sitting, standing, or even laying down for too long all feel uncomfortable and achey after a while
• It's hot and humid, and there's definitely some sort of greenhouse effect in our apartment so me and the cats are all panting pathetically, I feel like a melting bowl of sticky gross jello
• Everything hurts, all the muscles from my neck on down to my heels, all my joints, hips and knees, ribs, and even my fingers and toes!!
• Still peeing freakin' constantly!
• Haven't slept well in months - between the body aches, having to prop myself up with all those darn pillows, peeing every 2-3 hours, random middle-of-the-night hunger, plus still having to get up at 7am and endure a full day of work, I feel like a zombie most of the time
• Heartburn and shallow breathing contribute to overall discomfort, as well as insatiable thirst - which obviously causes more peeing.

This baby is feeling more and more like a real baby size-wise. It's no longer just a precious little fluttery gem in the depths of my being, but an almost full-size actual baby. I can feel his strong legs and heels digging into my sides, his elbows and even fingers cascading across my womb, and especially that big ol' rump that moves from side to side as he stretches out. I don't know this for a fact but I'm pretty sure he's more active than the average fetus, I mean he's supposed to mellow out by now because of the dwindling space but I don't think he got that memo, he's kicking around in there like he's rearranging the furniture  from morning till night, and middle of the night too! I think he's starting to realize that 'hey this place is getting a little snug, I wonder if I should starting looking for a nice two bedroom downtown'.  Yes, baby, start packing! 

Now of course I'm thrilled to be having a baby and this whole experience has been enlightening and fascinating. I fully accept that with the privilege and joy of bringing a new life into the world comes a little physical distress. I think I've handled it pretty well so far, don't you? But now it's the final stretch and I'm basically just trying to hang in there until the big day. I'm tired and stressed and having to actually concentrate on keeping my energy up, which totally makes sense in preparation for labor. My midwife said that by the time this baby comes I'll be READY to release him and I'm starting to understand what that means. There's only so long that two people can share a body, and I'm starting to need my space! So please, if you see me, don't ask me how I'm feeling, just tell me turn to the side and lean forward as you rub my back and then offer me a cold glass of iced tea :)

Goin' to the Chapel

Ok, don't be mad if we didn't tell you, but we got married on Friday! Yep, I'm officially a Chaplin, and when little butternut pineapple cantaloupe is born he won't confuse the bureaucracy by having a mom with a different last name (and isn't not confusing bureaucracies what life is all about?) To be honest, initially part of me was a little... unsettled at the fact that I was going to be getting married while so obviously pregnant, but I realize now that this was exactly the way it was supposed to turn out. Josh and I aren't 'wedding' people and we never would have done the conventional church and reception thing anyway. All the important elements were there: family and close friends, beautiful weather, and good food too. (Ok, I definitely got some snide looks from some of the other brides walking around as they looked me up and down with that got-him-just-in-time-eh? sort of look, but really who cares? Them bitches be jealous!)

I really had a fantastic day, and the city hall process was pretty painless. It was kind of fun actually because the city clerk's office sort of feels like a european train station, plus there's brides and grooms everywhere, and it was a bit of an adventure because we had to pass through several stages of the process including running across the street to get a special waiver from an invisible judge so that we could avoid the 24 hour waiting period between getting a marriage license and having the actual ceremony. It really didn't take much time and wasn't boring for a second - like regular weddings sometimes are (if I've been to yours, I didn't mean that one of course). We got some great photos and then had an amazing delicious lunch afterwards and aside from my family who were there in spirit with their blessings, we had the perfect intimate celebration with the special people in our lives and that's what made it just right for us and I wouldn't change a thing.

Next summer we'll have a bigger party to celebrate with everyone else we missed out on sharing this event with, but in the meantime we've got a baby on the way!

Seriously, it's getting huge!

Ok, really now, this belly is growing voraciously and I still have 5 whole weeks to go! I just feel bigger and bigger every week, the only thing that's shrinking are my wardrobe options! Baby is about 4.75lbs. now and about 18" long, and would have a fantastic chance of surviving outside the womb if he were to be born now - although, like a slightly undercooked dinner - we want him to roast in there just a little bit longer.

He's a cantaloupe this week :)

How's mama feeling? Well I'm starting to 'puff out' meaning my fingers are all swollen and actually hurt if I make a fist and my feet too - even flip-flops are uncomfortable! My beautiful opal engagement ring DOES NOT fit anymore (thanks Josh for taking your sweet time and allowing me just two brief weeks of actually wearing it, grr) but I've chosen an expandable replacement ring to hold its' place (you know, just in case some hot young stud thinks to hit on me, it'll be the ring that'll tell him I'm taken). The heat is not helping either, although I'm glad not to have to worry about heavy coats and layers. Should I go on? Sleeping is even more uncomfortable these days and I'm now having epic dreams about having to pee and not being able to find a bathroom - a practical daily fear manifesting as a nightmare. Do me a favor and appreciate the next time you're able to drink a tall glass of something and not have to plan your outing around staying near a bathroom for the next 45 minutes (and the next 45 minutes after that).
Buuuuuuut... aside from all that, I think I'm doing pretty well and I think my daily yoga stretching really helps to prevent unnecessary aches and to keep my mind calm and clear. I'm leaning more and more towards the home birth thing and getting really excited for the birth, I think it'll be amazing and wonderful and quick and transformative and I can't wait to hold my little cantaloupe in my arms.

In other baby news, I have a new baby sister!! Paulina Mogilevsky was born today, on the first day of summer, to my dad and stepmom. Happy Birthday!

What's a little rain at a shower?

Oh my busy little bees, such sweet friends I have, and so creative - those baby magnets were adorable and now I've got twins on my fridge! I had a wonderful shower with great words of wisdom, adorable gifts, delicious food, and of course great company. It was doubly awesome to have friends from various different facets of my life all enjoying each other's company as they were brought together to celebrate a joyous occasion and share mutual love for, well, me!

It's not very often to see such a thing and it's even a bit strange to have all these puzzle pieces from different scenes fit together to form a beautiful picture of friendship and support - ok, i'm getting weepy-eyed now, and very cheesy with my imagery, but seriously I had a great time and thanks to all who came :)

Pineapple heartbeat :)

Ok, here's what we're looking at here on this metamorphic belly: the large lump on the left is definitely a butt, and the little quick flicks on the right side are foot kicks. It's weird to see my stomach ripple so water-like but it is full of fluid after all. And make sure you have your sound on to hear the heartbeat!! We recorded it last time the midwife came over, mini-josh played his first show! (it's totally normal that it's so fast by the way)



And in case you're wondering what fruit/vegetable we're up to, it's a pineapple!

Team Baby!

Well, here's the team, 4 pairs of hands to welcome this little guy into the world. It's all about communication and teamwork if I want to avoid the drugs and with just 6 weeks to go we'd better get comfortable and get ready for the ride, GO TEAM BABY!

I'm progressing well and whenever my midwife feels and listens to the baby she always says 'this is a good baby' which is always great to hear. His heartrate is perfect, and so is mine, and he's very active and responds to her touch. This baby is just growing and growing and is already at about 4lbs. and yes still on track to being an 8-pounder! I just hope he doesn't get stuck on the way out. But despite the fact that baby is looking healthy and I've gained over 25lbs., due to my pre-pregnancy slender physique it is still a bit of a concern that I'll go back to being underweight after the birth and I need to start increasing my calorie intake to beef myself up for having adequate physical energy to be a healthy breastfeeding mama. So, protein shakes here I come! Feel free to embrace your inner grandma if you see me and offer me a snack, though it's more difficult to eat large filling meals due to a compressed stomach and frequent heartburn, I'm supposed to be 'grazing' which basically means eating small amounts of food many many times a day, like a cow.

Another thing that was brought up with this last visit is that I'm a good candidate for home birth, due to my healthy progression, balanced emotional state, and comfortable communication with my support team. It's something I hadn't given serious thought to previously because I just thought a hospital setting is the best for 'just in case.' Plus, they've got that tub. However, the hospital does come with a certain level of intervention, even when a midwife is present, and since I'm going to labor at home for as long as possible perhaps I'll change my mind and won't want to leave? Just to be clear, it wasn't brought up in a suggestive manner as if my midwife herself would prefer that method, it's just something that was put on the table as a possibility and I'll be free to decide when the time comes. When labor begins 'the team' will come over as I'm progressing and we'll see how things go, it will simply be an option we can opt to take if I'm handling contractions well and don't feel like getting into a car for twenty minutes. My midwife will have all necessary supplies on hand, we have a backup hospital that is very close, and she is fully capable of conducting the initial assessment of the baby and submitting any necessary paperwork. The thought of just me and Josh being able to bond with the baby as a new family in the comfort and privacy of our own home is quite appealing. Anyway, no decision has been made, we're going to wing it and I feel confident it will all work out beautifully either way.