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So what do we do all day?

Of course I've heard that a baby is hard work but it's really pretty amazing just how much time and energy is required to keep a baby fed, clean, and happy. Most of my time is spent nursing, this baby was not only a big boy when he was born but he's a growing giant and basically wants to nurse ALL the time, you should see the look on his face when I have to remove my nipple just for a minute so I could change positions, it's as though he's a poor orphan child abandoned in the wilderness who hasn't been fed in days! He especially 'cluster feeds' at night between 8pm-1am, I'm not exaggerating, before bedtime he literally nurses for 45 minutes, then takes a 10 minute break and nurses again for 30 minutes, then a 20 minute break and again for 40 minutes, on and on, not only that but when he falls asleep in my arms and I try to put him to bed he gets pissed and starts crying right away - "I wasn't done with that nipple woman!"

(yep, that's a view from the top of basically what I look at all day)

When I'm not nursing, I nap when the baby naps because I'm tired from not sleeping through the night, which also makes it difficult to get anything done because that means he and I are usually awake at the same time. I also try to get at least one thing done every day, and it's usually something that hardly takes any time at all, except if you have a baby. This would be something like going to the post office, enrolling the baby in health benefits online, filling out some stupid forms for my disability leave, or writing this blog, I feel like I have to sneak these things in when the baby's not looking! Here's him right now finally down for his second nap next to a giant pillow pile (my various nursing props).

Josh of course is responsible for feeding me and keeping our apartment in some sort of state of cleanliness, plus he's the official baby musician and Elliot seems to really enjoy an Irish song about a drunk man who clearly ignores all the obvious signs that his wife is cheating on him, no silly lullabies in this house, we sing about the real world!

IF there's still a little time in the day we also try to take a walk in the neighborhood with the baby in a stroller (he falls right asleep), or give him a bath, or.. well that's pretty much it, there hasn't been any time in the day beyond that, it's only been two weeks after all. I'm really amazed at how fast time flies and yet I feel as though I do nothing all day, I can hardly even shower!
p.s. there's nothing good on tv at 4am, 7am, or anytime during the day!

Recovery

Well it's been a week and I'm starting to feel better, although my body will still surprise me with nausea, windedness, soreness, and sudden exhaustion when I try to do too much (too much being taking a walk on the same day that I didn't get enough sleep or have a hardy enough breakfast).
But for anyone curious about what happens to a body after birth, here's my experience:

• The pooch leftover after the baby is out sort of looks like a weird flabby 4 1/2 month pregnant belly and it has been slowly shrinking daily though I still don't have any muscle tone feeling from the outside and my linea nigra is still there.
• Weakness and soreness that involves a funny walk, random exhaustion that just makes me have to lay down.
• I had bleeding sort of like a heavy period but with clots of blood that is now starting to lighten.
• Due to the stitching I had a lot of soreness in the perineum area and had to use a special spray bottle when I peed to keep the area clean, I also had to take stool softeners so that my poop wouldn't hurt too much coming out that first week.
• Since my tailbone was either severely bruised or fractured, and still really hurts, it's been really uncomfortable to stand, sit, or shift my lower body, that coupled with the stitching has just kept that whole area really tender and uncomfortable.
• My milk came in pretty quick by the third day and my boobs were HUGE that day!! They were super tender and hard, like bowling balls, but it was funny to see the baby drunk on the milk, he was so happy and satisfied that day. 

• The baby nurses ALOT, I mean practically all the time, and while I'm getting accustomed to the right way to position him to avoid soreness it hasn't been easy. A baby sucking is not like a tender lick from your lover, he really chomps down and my baby is a confirmed 'clamper' meaning that he has no sympathy and I've had some hard and painful days with nipple soreness and bleeding.
• Due to the frequent nursing where I basically have to sit and not move until he's done, sometimes for over an hour at a time with a short break followed by another half an hour, I've been having a lot of back pain and neck stiffness.
• General exhaustion from erratic sleep, frequent nursing, the heat, and not always eating enough (I have to consume a lot more calories but it's hard to find the time to eat!) I have been having frequent headaches of the pounding variety.

The hardest part overall is really the combination of all of the above, and while if Josh is tired he can basically go to bed and tune out, the baby doesn't really care if I'm tired when he's hungry and I'm the only one who can nurse him so I just have to shut up and get up no matter what. 

Of course despite all of that, it's all totally worth it, it's pretty amazing being a mom and what it truly means to me is surrender and sacrifice, all I want to do is give myself to him completely and all the pain disappears when I look at his calm sleeping face.

Our little conductor

(make sure your sound is on!)

Babies don't really do much

The Birth of Elliot

Wow, where do I even begin... ok, we left off with contractions being 7-8 minutes apart from early Tuesday morning until late afternoon. They continued at that pace until about 5pm, at which point they began to intensify and get closer together, each lasting about a minute. By that point it was clear that I was really in labor and we set up all of our prepared necessities like blowing up the pool and arranging all the massage oils, towels, and plastic liners. Josh made me something to eat: corn on the cob and chicken wings, his intentions were good but my response was "it's too complicated" because those things require manual dexterity to operate and I was passing the point of being able to concentrate on things beyond my body. But I ate it all because I knew I would need all the energy I could still accumulate.

How can I describe the feeling of a contraction? It's a wave of pressure/pain in the lower back and belly that gets increasingly strong until it reaches a peak and then descends. It's an overwhelming force from within that demands attention, but every once in a while I also felt a wave spread through my body at the end of a contraction that felt like a cool breeze on the inside. That would be the oxytocin hard at work, nature's epidural, just giving me a little encouragement to keep going. By that point it was pretty intense and I tried moaning to see if it would help and it did, from then on I was basically moaning/howling/squealing through every contraction while pressing my face into a pillow, not because I was trying not to be loud, but it somehow helped to push into something. I had mentally planned out all sorts of different positions that are said to provide some relief, like I could use the medicine ball over here, or I could squat while leaning on this thing here, but when my body got down to business the only position I felt the least uncomfortable in was sitting on a chair facing its' back with the pillow over the edge while Josh massaged my lower back through contractions.

I called Jessica at 6:21pm because the contractions were about 5 minutes apart at that point (meaning 4 minutes in between contractions that each last a minute) and told her not to rush but that tonight's the night. We also called the midwife to tell her what was happening and she said I could get in the pool when I feel that I need to and to call her again when I feel that it's time for her to come over (the midwife's purpose is to be present for the birth, not the labor process, so we didn't want to call her too early, just gave her a heads up that things are progressing so that she would be ready).

Jessica came at around 10 just as things were really getting intense and my mucus plug came out shortly after that although my water still had not broken. She was just the perfect extra pair of hands to massage another part of my body, give me water, and generally help to make me feel comfortable and supported. From then things seemed to progress fairly quickly with contractions picking up the pace and we started to fill up the pool at around 11:30. I got in and the contractions got even more intense although the breaks in between became a little longer, at first I thought the water had slowed the labor down but in hindsight I realize it actually sped it up because after a few contractions in the water I began to feel the urge to push.

We called the midwife to come over quickly because Josh got worried that he'd have to catch the baby, although the pushing phase can last for hours the feeling was imminent and nearly impossible to hold back (though I was trying because I was also afraid of the baby coming out before the midwife arrived). The interesting thing is that while these contractions were the most intense the breaks between them felt more restful, I was able to relax briefly and catch my breath, take a sip of water, and refocus before the next contraction came. Another one of nature's ways of helping to cope so that I wouldn't be too exhausted, oh nature how I appreciate you more than ever now.

The midwife finally came and checked the baby's heartbeat which was fine. She asked if I could feel the head with my fingers in my vagina and I hadn't tried to do that yet but lo and behold there it was, clearly ready to emerge. She helped talk me through the pushing by saying 'don't be afraid to let it be big' and 'try moaning deeper from your center instead of with the high pitch' and 'bear down with your bottom' (in the pool I was sort of in a seated splay leaning over the edge with Josh standing over me to massage my back). After some pushing time with no baby emerging it became evident that he would need a little assistance and the midwife had to use her hands to help me open up. I felt that the baby was almost out and on one big push I felt myself open wide and thought he was coming out yet it still took a few more contractions for the head to finally emerge. Then I felt the midwife literally pulling him out and later Josh and Jessica said they were alarmed at how hard she seemed to be pulling and that his head was blue at the time (which is normal because baby still gets oxygen from the cord until he's completely out). That was the most dynamic and persevering moment of physical awareness I have ever felt. It was like a powerful rift in my whole being.

Of course the reason he needed help coming out is because he was 9 freaking pounds!! But then finally it was over and I turned to see this big floppy baby being handed into my arms and the first thing I thought and said was 'oh my god, it's a real baby!' I mean of course I've felt him moving inside me for so long (and we all know he was a very active fetus) and I knew in some part of my consciousness that it was a baby, but until that moment I somehow thought that this would never really happen because it's just too surreal. After a moment of sitting in the pool with the baby with Josh leaning right over me as we stared at this amazing tiny little being that we created, I awkwardly stood up with him in my arms and came out to sit on the couch which was lined with a shower curtain, a giant towel, and special absorbent padding. The baby was still attached to me and some of the placenta was hanging out, I got another chance to bond with the baby and to nurse him for the first time (he clamped right on and sucked for dear life!)  and then the midwife clamped the cord and Josh got to cut it, he said 'it's like tough meat.'

Then it was Josh's turn to bond with the baby while I delivered the placenta, which felt uncomfortable and gross, just a little painful when the midwife pushed down on my belly a few times to make sure that everything came out. And then came what I would consider to be the worst part of this entire experience. The stitching up of the tearing. Yep, 9 pounds won't leave you intact people, and I had to endure 30 minutes of a needle in my hoo-ha. This is where Jessica proved to be a true friend like no other because she had to stand over the midwife holding a light shining on my most private and tender area. Oh Jessica, there are no words to describe how amazing you are and I do hope you weren't too traumatized. Honestly that was the worst part not just because it was incredibly painful but because, after everything that happened, it was just such a great injustice that I had to lay there and endure this sort of anatomical closure instead of staring at my beautiful baby. But hey, apparently I'm a strong woman and I just kept thinking 'you got this far, it's almost over, just hang in there'.

After that I really started to feel woozy and the exhaustion finally caught up with me. I had now been up for 24 hours, just delivered a baby, and felt the piercing pain of being stitched up on very tender skin. I hadn't eaten or drank anything in a while and I looked really pale and felt light-headed so I said 'I need a granola bar and some juice' and sat with the baby replenishing myself as I stared at all his features in amazement, have you seen the monkey toes?

After that I had to prove I could pee and let me tell ya that was weird, I was so numb and sore I couldn't feel my bladder at all (after all that time of feeling it ALL the time!) and it took a little while but I peed, put on a pad (bleeding goes on for a couple of weeks after birth), and then was walked to the bedroom with the baby. When I sat down I realized my tailbone felt very sore, I thought it was just part of the overall soreness but it turns out I either fractured, broke, or badly bruised it because it still hurts a lot but there's no way to fix it aside from letting it heal on it's own. After some more nursing I was finally able to lay down in my own bed with my new baby in my arms as the team bid farewell because their job was done. Josh still had to drain the pool but he came to join me shortly after that. You would think I would pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow but my mind was very alert plus the baby was tucked at my side and I didn't want to hurt him, and I was a little uncomfortable but couldn't change my position for fear of waking him up. I just laid there and processed everything that had just happened for the two hours until the baby woke me up to nurse.

So now that it's over, how do I feel about my natural home birth decision? I was definitely the right one for me. Sure there was pain and discomfort, but there was also great comfort in other ways that would have been absent if I had gone to a hospital. At no point did I think, 'I don't know if I could do this' or 'maybe we should go to the hospital' I was very present at every single moment and knew that what was happening was natural and that I would get through it. A couple of times Josh had to turn on the kitchen light which is pretty bright and fluorescent and it irritated me so much in the otherwise soft yellowy glow of the living room (kitchen and living room are almost an uninterrupted space in my apartment) and if I had to be in an environment of only that bright light, plus strangers poking and asking questions as this internal tornado was occurring it would have been impossible to endure and I understand the need for an epidural in that scenario, the environment creates that need. Plus the thought of having to get into a vehicle to transport me while contractions were occurring is also beyond imagination.

It felt right, to be in a space where I felt comfortable and familiar, to be surrounded only by the most essential people who I feel safe and supported with, and at the end of it all to sleep in my own bed with my own smells and soft sheets and to wake up in the only place I would want to be.
And how was Josh throughout this whole process? He was amazing, he was at my side the entire time and did everything necessary to support and encourage me and I really felt that I needed him every single second, at one point he was selfish enough to pee and those few seconds of being without him were extra agonizing (even though Jessica provided the necessary backup in the massage area).
So that's it, that's my story, a few photos in the post below (so much text in this one that blogger couldn't fit them), and an experience I will never ever forget.

p.s. so many people have asked me about this when I was pregnant that I have to address it: the pooping. Did I or didn't I? well here's what happens, the body clears itself naturally in preparation of what's to come, so I basically pooped several times throughout the day so by the time I was pushing the baby out there was hardly anything left in my system. But I was in a pool after all so maybe a little slipped out with the effort, we'll never know :)
Next post: the recovery.

Birth of Elliot (photos)

This picture was clearly taken right after the baby came out and I remember thinking 'well, there's no way I'm going to show THIS photo to anyone because I was so exhausted in so many ways and assumed I looked as awful as I felt, but when I saw it the next day I was amazed at how happy and calm I look. Yet again, that's definitely nature's chemical stew spreading a wave of relief throughout my body.

Oh, just a tender bonding moment.

I was debating whether to share this one but hey, it's an honest and naked moment, this is 'the first latch' and I'm happy to say he latched and sucked right away. Since then it's been an adventure in nipple-land but that's a story for another day.

Baby Elliot arrives!

Wow, it was a real baby in my belly all this time! I'll share all the details of the birth as soon as I have a chance :)

Honey, it's (almost) time!

So the ultrasound yesterday was perfectly fine, although I haven't had an ultrasound since I was 5 months when the baby had room to flail and kick his limbs all around with plenty of space. Now, he's so big and there's so little room he looked like a funny little pretzel in there and his face was literally smushed up against the uterine wall. But at that point I already knew the process had begun and now there's finally some progress on the labor front.
Here's what's been happening:  sometime around the middle-end of last week I started feeling random contractions, not painful at all, just sort of a tightening feeling that would actually lift my belly a little and give it a weird square shape. Then on Saturday we did a lot of walking during the day doing errands and I got nauseous and exhausted on the way home and had to take a nap right away. That night we did some acupressure and I felt contractions right away. The next day, Sunday, I had contractions all day consistently at about 20-30 minutes apart. The day after, Monday, I had consistent contractions at 10 minutes apart - the entire day. At that point it was still not painful, just an uncomfortable tightening that made me have to slow down whatever I was doing. We did some more acupressure before I went to bed and in the night the contractions started to get more intense to the point where I could not sleep after 4 am. Since then, today, I'm having consistent contractions that are about 7-8 minutes apart and they definitely demand some attention. It basically feels like the worst menstrual cramps ever and they make me have to bend or lean or pee or rock on the exercise ball or make Josh rub my back. It lasts about a minute so it's mostly tolerable, but coming on every 7 minutes there's only temporary relief.
I obviously had to take several breaks to even write this much but I figured whoever is actually reading this deserves an update, plus aside from frequent discomfort I am rather bored and in need of distraction.
This process is different for everyone and later on when people ask me how long I was in labor it will be difficult to know how to define when it technically began. Plus I really have no idea how much longer it will last! My water has yet to break and it's too early to call the midwife, I'm hoping that the contractions will continue to progress throughout the day and this procrastinating child will finally reveal himself to me before the sun comes up again. Wish me luck and send me happy vibes of relief and a speedy delivery!

The Zen Art of Doing Nothing

Nope, not yet.
First, let me assure everyone, again, that a first baby being born past due date is perfectly normal. I'm only 5 days past due date and every day I get anxious inquiries via phone, text, facebook, or email about whether I'm a)laying half-dead on an operating table or b)had the baby but forgot to tell you. Aside from my own anxieties that is the hardest part about this waiting game, having to explain why i'm such a failure at making your day today, or yesterday, and torturing you with concern.
So then, here's my medical update: my midwife came over today and checked me and the baby, his responsiveness and heartbeat, my blood pressure, proteins, blood, and GBS again. EVERYTHING IS FINE. Not only is this normal, but it's to be expected, first babies for some reason are much more likely to be born on 41 & 1 - meaning 41 weeks and 1 day, which for me would be another 3 days from now on Monday. But either way, just to take a closer look I've scheduled an ultrasound for Monday to check the baby again and my fluids and placenta and everything. Then, if still nothing, I'll give acupuncture a try.
IF I get to 42 weeks, which would be 9 days from now next Sunday then we will discuss breaking my water and stripping my membranes to get the process started. But I'm pretty sure we won't get to that point because I'm slowly feeling more frequent cramplike sensations and I think he's getting ready, just slowly, because like his dad he's putting off doing a necessary chore until the last possible moment when i'm about to say 'fine I'll do it myself!'
In the meantime, Isis has made a nook on the tarp inside the birth pool where she likes to sleep and we've discovered another neighborhood gem - a grimaldi's bakery, yum! I have to dust off the stroller and other baby stuff because it's been sitting around looking pretty sad, and I'm going to nap again. Poor Josh isn't getting much sleep these days either because every night we both think it's going to be the THE night, plus I'm still often hungry at 4-5am, so nighttime is a rotating ships-in-the-night sort of time for us between one person trying to fall asleep and the other watching Jump Start music videos on VH1 on the couch.
Yesterday, I was pretty bummed, today, I'm feeling better because I was reassured by the midwife that everything is fine. This is truly a test of my zen nature, I just have to do nothing and wait. Please, don't call us, we'll call you.

OPB (other people's babies)

Hello there anxious people awaiting news, sorry there isn't any yet! I'm a bit anxious myself, the first few days of relaxing have been great but now I'm getting impatient, this waiting game is hard! We've been walking walking walking to try to help ease the baby down and explored the neighborhood like we've never done before! There's a thai restaurant just a few blocks away, several tattoo shops we never knew about, an arcade, and I can now map out all the best italian ice hot spots in a 20 block radius. The only thing that gets me down is seeing all those other people's babies happily outside the womb and secretly telling my baby 'see, they did it, what are you waiting for?'

I can definitely feel that the baby is very low in the launch position now and I'm sure he must be ready any day now. I'm feeling the occasional cramp-like sensations but no real contractions yet, though every time I feel anything at all I stop and listen, hoping it's going to build and that this is the beginning. I'm starting to consider getting acupuncture to help nudge things along if nothing happens by the end of the week. It is supposed to be very  effective and I believe the place I used to go to is quite authentic and actually had a hand in my getting pregnant in the first place. I know I know, I shouldn't rush nature, but my 12 weeks of no-workyness have already begun so time waiting is sort of time wasted, we'll see.
There was one thing that really brightened my day today and that is that my dad FINALLY sent me 2 pictures of my new baby sister, here they are!

Ahhh, just takin' it easy

Well, today is the big day, the day I've been waiting for for months, August 1st and no baby yet. When my mom was pregnant with me the doctors said I should be born sometime around the end of January and I wish it was with the same nonspecific estimate that I knew to expect my baby to come - sometime around the beginning of August. That way the excitement could be spread out over a few weeks and not concentrated on one passing day on which nothing happens.
This sort of reminds me of the feeling after graduating college, all this work and anticipation with the expectation that once you have a degree the rest of your life would just fall into place. Yet you graduate and move back home and look for jobs and... nothing, the edge of a cliff, waiting for this 'real life' you've heard so much about to begin. That's sort of how I feel right now, as though I've done everything I was supposed to do like eating healthy and doing yoga and waiting and preparing and learning and now that my to-do list is completely crossed off it's as though time is standing still. I'm done with work and all my birth preparations are in place, this is the first time in a very very long time where I can just... do nothing. I can sleep in and nap some more if I feel like it, I can bead and knit or read and eat, take walks around the neighborhood eating italian ices, or lounge around watching movies.
Hmmm, come to think of it this is pretty freakin sweet! It's sort of the calm before the storm isn't it? I should enjoy every minute of this waiting time because from the minute I begin to labor probably until the day I retire my time will be stretched thin and all planned out again. Yeah, I'm gonna go do some of that relaxing right now, here's a funny picture to hold you over.